I’m in Limbo with him and I don’t know what to do next.
This is going to be long, but I’ve exhausted all the advice from my friends and I think I just want some solid impartial advice from others.
Me (28f) and my ex (27m) had been dating for almost a year. On Tuesday just gone he was telling me how much he loved me, how excited he was for the holiday we had booked for the end of next month and saving up for a house together. He had shown mini signs of avoidance but he always was super big on communication in arguments. When we argued, which really wasn’t that often, we would work through it.
On Wednesday, we had an argument which stemmed from me asking for a little more love and time together. We are both big into running and he had gained an injury which meant a massive part of our lives had suddenly stopped. He had been a little depressed about it as he could no longer do any exercise and many of the plans we had ended abruptly. This argument turned into him saying I was really selfish and acting like an arsehole. I went over to apologise and he was super cold to me. Wouldn’t kiss or hug me, wouldn’t cuddle with me in bed. The next morning he asked for 3 days no contact because he was so angry with me still and wanted space to get his head together. He said he had a lot going on and he couldn’t deal with this as well. I asked him if he was breaking up with me as he had never asked for no contact and I felt him really pulling back from me. He said that wasn’t the case, he just needed some space.
Three awful days pass and I call him. He says that he really isn’t great, that he believes he’s a bad person and he doesn’t think being together is a good idea. I try to talk to him and the conversation ends with us deciding to talk the following day. I reassure him over and over that I love him and I’m here for him and we go to bed.
The next evening, I check in with him to see how he is, and he sends me two messages saying that the three days have made him realise he’s actually a really nasty person and he doesn’t know what to do. He feels like every decision he makes is overwhelming and he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He says he wants to go away and work on himself and get himself right. He says he can’t do that while in a relationship because he doesn’t want to be dependent or be depended on. He did however keep saying ‘for now’ - ‘I think I need to be on my own for now’. Which makes me feel like he doesn’t really want to break up, he’s just convinced himself that he’s hurting me and pushing me away to protect me.
I don’t beg, I just say okay, tell him I’m here for him and when he’s feeling better to get back in touch with me. I don’t want to add any more stress to what I already think is a very overwhelmed and depressed person.
I have been devastated since. A week ago we were absolutely fine and planning a life which he had assured me many times that he wanted. To suddenly abandoning me and pushing me away to breaking up with me because he needs to work on himself. I can’t help but blame myself.
I’m on day 3 of the breakup which I know is still super fresh. I just don’t know what to do. He said he was going to message as we need to swap our things and try and sort out what we’re doing with this holiday in 5 weeks. I expected him to message and tell me to come get my stuff instantly but it’s been radio silent since.
I can’t help but feel like he’s leaving a door open in a way. The whole thing feels super vague, like he doesn’t want me to go but he’s pushing me away. I texted his mum, as we are super close and she said he’s not acting like himself at all and she can’t get him to open up. It’s like he’s locked himself down.
Last night, I saw he had liked a few posts about how it’s best he isn’t in a relationship because of all the pressures, which I think is unfair as all I ever did was try to love him and be there for him.
Do I message him? Do I ask to come get my stuff? Do I leave the door open? I can be super impulsive and I’m really trying hard to not do anything that may harm the situation more.
I just want to talk to him face to face. I feel like I could get him to open up but I don’t want to risk going over there and him just shutting down on me completely.
I love him. We were brilliant together and this all just felt so out of the blue. Do I push to really shut the door so I can move on or do I just hold on to that last little sliver of hope that he might come back?