u/DescendedVenus

I’m constantly battling myself. I have schizoaffective disorder, MDD, and CPTSD, where it’s physically disabling, as where once I get an episode (which is almost everyday now) I can’t move. I’ve been through several jobs because I often get accused for not wanting to do the job (when in reality it’s because I’m paralyzed from my visions and auditory issues) and I often am told that I should apply for a disability. However- i constantly feel like I am too “fit” for it and that it’ll get better once I find the right meds. however I started my medication journey in 2019…. And it’s still not better. But with this government, society, I often feel scared that I’m not going to get the help I need. I’ll go weeks without wanting help and that I can do everything just fine..but during those weeks I’m often SH myself in order to get out of an episode (bring me back to reality..if that makes sense). I was diagnosed with CPTSD and MDD in 2019, and schizoaffective disorder last year. But it seems like all meds just make me a zombie or extremely angry.
Work is a strange story to me. I love working- but I don’t think I can work livable hours. I enjoy working but if I work around 28+ more hours, my mind begins to get worse (than it already is) but I OWN A HOUSE..CAR PAYMENT, and other expenses. I’m scared that there’s no option for me.