Should I move out of my parent's house right now
Okay, this might get long, apologies in advance. Trigger warning for mention of childhood abuse, nothing too crazy
The situation is, I'm 21 years old and really want to move out of my family home, but there are a lot of complications with my family's dynamic and I'm not sure just up and leaving is the right move. Some backstory so people understand the dynamic: my family has always been pretty poor and values working hard for what you have - something I value myself. My family has worked incredibly hard to make a life for themselves and I'm incredibly grateful for that. However, we haven't always had the best relationship; my dad physically and emotionally abused me from around 11-14 years old, and my mom has been pretty emotionally cold or "toxic" (for lack of a better word) bordering on abusive as well. My mom's treatment of me lasted longer than my dad's, getting much better after 16, but fluctuating depending on her mood. I will give credit where it is due and say both of them have done a lot of work on themselves and our relationship(s), and things have gotten a lot better, especially with my dad. Things with my mom are on-and-off tumultuous, but I can tell she tries. Going into adulthood, it was a bit of a power struggle as I left for college, especially with my mom: she tracked my phone, had access to my grades and school email (I did not know that was illegal at the time, no I do not want to press charges or anything).
Things were fine-ish until I brought home a boyfriend at 19. I'm a pretty private person, I don't tell my family many things unless they're important or won't get any judgement from them. My mom went through a few things I won't specify, so the boyfriend, on top of not knowing anything until we were official, was something she didn't handle well. A year and a half into the relationship, when I had just turned 21, he spoke to my parents about marrying me (I know this sounds like a tangent, I'm getting somewhere I promise) This freaked my parents out, my mom especially, so the process of me graduating and "leaving the nest" has been interesting. I do plan on marrying my boyfriend, but it's one of many things I am scared to bring up because of how my parents might react. If I were to move out now, I would probably end up moving in with him, and that's an entirely different argument with my parents altogether.
I should also mention that I'm very different from my family, I'm interested in different things and dress differently, and have different values and the way my family shows "affection" is by essentially bullying each other. My mom and sister especially are always messing with me, my mom saying things like my "lifestyle" in college (in a conversation about me being pale and not aggressively working out, instead choosing to hang out with my friends before graduating) wasn't "cutting it" and that I needed to come home to "get back to my roots". I've tried ignoring this, but she's said other hurtful things that really just make me feel disrespected.
This dynamic, along with the trauma from the past, makes it terrifying to speak up for myself or say what I really want without being scared of pissing them off. Even if I'm extremely upset, I almost never say anything and just shut down when tensions are high. In the past year or two, I've been working and living on my own during internships in different cities, and one in a different time zone, on top of taking care of myself and not asking my parents for anything during school, so I've now gotten pretty used to independence and doing what I want. On top of that, I've developed so much as a person beyond what their treatment of me caused me to believe.
Now I've graduated, moved back in with my parents, and am currently job searching to start my career, and so I have a good enough reason to move out without them getting too upset. Unfortunately, I still feel like I'm being belittled or treated like a child, or at the very least "supervised" and I'm always getting questioned about where I am or what I'm doing.
My friends all say I should just do what I want, that their reactions are their own responsibility, and I agree to an extent, but I don't want to do anything out of anger or pettiness. I don't want to act jaded, I want to handle the situation as best I can to maintain my relationship with my family, because we've come such a long way from where we were. So, do I move out now and risk them becoming upset with me, or stick it out until a good job comes around?
If there's anything I can provide clarity on, I'm happy to do so, I know this is a rushed post I made as a bit of a rant.