When Harry opened the door of 4 Privet Drive the first day of summer at the end of 5th Year, the last person he expected to see… was Sirius Black.
Sirius grinned. “Hey, Harry! Now that I’ve been declared innocent, you want to come live with me for good?”
The next thing Sirius knew, he was tied up to a chair in the living room. “Ah ha, uh… Harry, what, uh, what are you doing there?”
Harry was sharpening a silver knife. “You’re not Sirius.”
Sirius blinked. “Yes, I am.”
Harry glared. “No, you’re not. Sirius Black is dead. I saw him die. So you’re either a shapeshifter, or someone under polyjuice. I’m going to figure out which.”
He slashed Sirius’s arm with the knife. Sirius winced. “Gah! Fuck! Harry, it’s me!”
Harry studied him. The flesh hadn’t burned. “Shut up, imposter.” He turned to the kitchen, and returned with something else.
Sirius ogled. “Is that…”
Harry raised a crucifix and splashed Sirius with holy water. “Begone from the corpse of my godfather, demon, I command you in the name of Jesus Christ!”
Sirius couldn’t believe it. “Are you kidding me right now?”
Harry ignored him. “Hmm, that didn’t work either. Where’s the garlic?”
…. …. …. ….
After an hour of tests, Harry could come to only one conclusion. “Sirius? It’s really you?!”
Sirius sighed. “Yes! I told you that countless times already!”
Harry stared. “But you died!”
Sirius looked at Harry like he was crazy. “I beg your finest fucking pardon? Where’d you get that idea?”
Harry returned the look. “I saw you get hit by Bellatrix’s spell! You fell through the Veil of Death!”
Sirius burst out laughing. “The Veil of- Harry, there is no Veil of Death! That was the entrance to the Unspeakables’ secret party room!”
Harry wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. “…what?”
Sirius nodded. “Yeah, they sure throw wild parties, Harry. They put my Hogwarts days to shame. And get this: Sean Connery was there! Can you believe it?”
Harry was completely lost now. He desperately tried to refocus. “But it’s been five days! I thought you were dead!”
Sirius nodded. “Well, after the party ended a couple of days ago, I went to Dumbledore. He said everyone was fine, and that I should give you a couple of days to rest. It helped that I had a threesome scheduled with the Beckett twins.”
Harry tried getting that out of his head, and quickly realized something. “Wait a second. You were partying for three days?! Again, I thought you were dead!”
Sirius tried to raise his hands in a defensive manner, and failed miserably, seeing as he was still tied to the chair. “In my defense: smoking blunts with Sean Connery!”
Harry had to admit, as far as excuses go, that wasn’t the worst one he’d ever heard. Both of them fell into an awkward silence, not knowing what to say next.
After a couple of minutes, Sirius spoke up. “Hey, Harry? Mind cutting me loose now?”