My husband’s [32M] mental health issues are getting in the way of us moving forward. What should I [31F] do?
My husband and I have been together since we were in college. He’s always struggled with his mental health, and it got a lot worse after we got married 7 years ago. He started having short dissociative episodes and gave up drinking and caffeine as a result. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and prescribed mood stabilizers and anti-depressants.
There was a year where things got really bad, he stopped working and kept trying new meds every other month. Eventually he went in-patient for a few days and got on meds. They technically diagnosed him bipolar.
He’s been going to therapy ever since and has only worked on and off. Last year he revealed some pretty heavy stuff from his youth and it’s been a struggle coming to terms with that.
I’ve stood by him through everything, though I think looking back it’s easy to see how much I’ve enabled him. I’m working on that but I fear it’s too late.
In the last 6 months he’s gone inpatient at two different facilities. They told him he’s not Bipolar, shows some symptoms of Borderline but more than likely his issues are a mix of trauma, ADHD and we think ASD. He’s worked really hard at the last facility and came home two weeks ago. He’s doing really well in outpatient treatment, but we live with my parents (partially separate living area, but no private shower or kitchen), and he just says how much he hates it here.
Realistically because he doesn’t work, I pay for everything and we can’t afford to live anywhere else. I also like the support my parents provide even though my husband says my dad is toxic (my dad is now also going to therapy because he has anger issues).
Also, my husband struggles a lot with food and I think he’s not eating enough so it’s making things worse at home. He’s always either over-eating or under-eating and he never wants to eat what I’m making for dinner even though he’s the one who does groceries. I think this might be a symptom of starting an adhd med but I’m not sure. He’s also taking anti-anxiety meds.
He was shortly on a very heavy bipolar med before going into this last facility and it made him horrible to me. Cruel and critical and cold. I thought it would go away when he went off the lithium but he’s acting similarly (less cruel, but still just distant). I ask him if he wants to be with me or if he thinks separation would be a better option, but he has nowhere else to go so I don’t know if he’s being honest when he says yes.
He says he feels like he’s doing so well outside of the house but he comes home and he’s so unhappy. He says he might want to go back in a treatment facility but I think that’s hardly the answer. I think that’s the easy way out right now because that’s where he’s most comfortable to the point where he actually seemed like he really enjoyed his time there.
I’m not really sure where to go from here or if he even wants to be with me. I don’t know if I want to be with him either. He’s my best friend, but I don’t really recognize the person he is right now. Is there hope that this is just him getting used to new meds? Should I try harder to get him comfortable in our home? Do I step back and just let him figure things out? He has literally nowhere else to go if he moves out, so there’s an added layer of guilt with that.