Feels like I am going crazy
My husband recently started a fight with me when my parents were on vacation visiting at our home. I’ve been reading up on emotional abuse for the past few months and I finally got up the courage to tell my mom what has been going on in the past 10+ years of my marriage. Once I told her, it gave me the courage to come inside and tell my daughter that I wanted a divorce from her dad. Long story short, I was convinced by my husband and daughter to give couples therapy a try before I leave. I hate hurting my daughter so I agreed.
We started therapy today. The therapist asked me what I wanted to get out of therapy. I said I suspect I’ve been severely emotionally abused for years and I want to hear if it is true or not and I also want to hear if my husband believes it or not.
By the end of the session, the therapist said that while my husband is not doing any “big a” abusive behaviors like physical abuse or name calling, if the things he is doing make me feel bad or controlled, then to me they are abusive behaviors. Then she said she needs me to pull back my reactions for now and be softer through the therapy process. I’ve finally found my voice and she’s telling me to be softer to my husband and that the abuse is only considered abuse because I feel like it is.
I feel so upset and so mad!! These behaviors don’t feel “small a” or little or remotely ok at all!! Am I going crazy? Do I deserve this? We are just going to do couples therapy like a normal couple?
Am i being emotionally abused or am I just feeling like I am? Please please provide me some honest feedback as I am breaking down a little bit over here.
Behaviors-
Am not allowed to be out of contact for even a couple minutes at any time (unless sleeping or at work) If I’m out and he doesn’t get an immediate response, I get calls over and over, calls to any friends I’m out with , and once we do get on the phone, I will be yelled and at accused of cheating over and over again
Anytime I am out and he feels insecure for any reason, he makes me FaceTime him in a well lit area so he can question me and look into my eyes
He is not ok with me having male friends, talking to men or working with men
If he feels a skirt is too short or a bathing suit is so tiny and he sees that I wore it when he is not around, he will berate and question me and yell at me for wearing it and accuse me of seeking other male attention. He will use our house security camera to look at outfits.
He has many “rules” I need to follow - regarding where I can shop, how I should behave, how I should parent our daughter, chores he wants me to get done. If these things are deviated from, I will be lectured and yelled at for “not following his rules”. He always accuses me of doing this on purpose just to “fuck him”
Sometimes will lightly stalk me. If I want to take our dog for a walk to clear my head after we’ve been fighting, he might lurk around and follow me from a distance. Or recently he was mad at me at a party and i knew he was lurking outside in the dark listening to the party trying to catch me doing or saying something wrong
He has told me before that if I ever leave him for someone else, he will kill him and then kill himself
He will violate my personal boundaries in public to “stake his claim” example- he will put his hands up my skirt while sitting at our neighborhood bar. I ask him to stop because people can see. He says they can’t see and he keeps doing it. I have to get really aggressive to finally get him to stop , which makes him really mad and sulky at me and he says things like “I should be grateful he’s still attracted to me after all this time”
He drinks way too much and goes on long yelling tangents where he keeps circling back and not letting me get in a word edgewise until he eventually passes out
I do not have equal authority on any decisions. He will override me anytime he feels it is the right thing to do. He will override me in front of our daughter. He will overrule me even when I am rational and compromising and beg him to bend.
I could go on and on and definitely can if anyone needs me to. But pleae, even if the answer is no or not really or even just slightly, please please be honest with me and tell me if this is abuse. I really desperately need to know without a shadow of a doubt for my own sanity.