My (f26) bf (m25) told me i am unattractive
Tldr; Boyfriend told me he sometimes finds me unattractive, we closed the relationship, and now we want to open it again. I don’t feel like the same person anymore. Is it possible to go back to normal?
Me and my bf have been in an open long distance relationship for 1 year. He is the one who introduced it to me. Everything was great during the honeymoon as you would expect. We clicked so well and all was so exciting, including the open relationship part. We were genuinely excited for eachother and even had some sexual experiences together with other couples. Perfect chemistry and openness, I really thought this was it.
It all changed when he came to visit me the last time. I had noticed he had stopped complimenting me as much and I told him that I would like more of it, as this is one of my love languages that I like to recieve. Time passed. Nothing changed.
I would get all dolled up for him, but still… nothing. I finally asked him again why he doesn’t compliment me, and this time to be completely honest with me. And oh boy was he honest. Nothing could have prepared me for what he was about to say.
He told me he honestly didn’t always find me attractive. When I asked him what made me less attractive, he would say it’s just how I look from certain angles. He went on to indirectly compare me to specific girls he has been with, saying that if we would consider my whole package (my personality) I would be more attractive than them. To me that indirectly translates to «they are pretty, and you have personality». That’s insulting, and planted the idea that he probably compares. To top it all off he said he would maybe consider himself to be out of my league, but that he loves me regardless.
Mind you, he is a conventionally attractive man, who even models sometimes. I would say I have more of an alt girl next door look.
As you can imagine this flipped our whole relationship upside down, I told him I couldn’t be with anyone who sees me in that way and immediately wanted to break up. He begged me to try and work through it and here we are 5 months later still trying to work on this mess. In the meantime we’ve been closed. It’s been ups and downs, and my healing from this has not been linear. The relationship hasn’t been the same, but he is putting in genuine effort to undo what he said and greatly regrets it. He compliments me all the time now, only issue is that I don’t believe him anymore which in turn makes him frustrated again. I have developed a case of body dysmorphia and I am no longer the same person as I was before this happened. No confidence. Constant comparisons. Nitpicking my appearance. Always anxious and honestly depressed.
Fast forward to today, we have decided to open our relationship and I have already slept with one of the guys I used to see before we closed it. And even then I felt insecure and ugly during my date with him. It’s not the same. Thoughts that have never occured to me before come to me and I just feel hideous. My bf hasn’t been on a date yet but is going on one this weekend. I know I shouldn’t have but I searched her up on IG based on the information I had on her and she is sooooo stunning. And a model. Gorgeous 10/10 girl. I can’t help but compare which maked me feel insecure and jealous. I never used to do this, cause I felt confident in my looks and that he found me attractive. Now I always have it running in my head that my bf might think these girls are so much hotter than me. My perspectives going into this sort of relationship are changed and I have a hard time feeling excited for him like I used to.
Is it possible to go back to a normal open relationship after this? Should we stay closed for longer? I haven’t seen him for 5months and can’t even have sex with eachother. I don’t want to lose him cause I do actually love him alot, and despite what this post depicts, he is a genuinely nice and caring guy otherwise. He is fundamentally a non monogamous guy, but at the same time I don’t feel like I l have the same confidence to make this sort of dynamic work for me any longer. What should I do? I am exhausted.