Dear…….
I hope this message finds you well. Today is Monday, 20th of April, 8:20pm. All I could think about is you…
I honestly wonder what are you thinking about rn? Are you thinking about me? About her? Or about what?
You have been in my mind for the past week. Every day I dream about you. You’re haunting me both consciously and unconsciously which is funny cuz I never thought someone would be capable to do that to me.
I want to text you so fucking bad. I hate how I can’t. I hate how I have to wait. I don’t wanna wait. I want you to text me during this period, say that even tho we can’t talk but I miss you. I want to tell you that I miss you too. Why do I miss you this much tho?
Do you miss me? Or maybe I’m just the ghost of someone you can’t have? Do I remind you of her? Do you see her in me? Are you attracted to me cuz you see her soul in me? Does my spirit remind you of her? I have no idea…
I wish things were more simple. Why can’t you just call me and tell me you love me and want me without hesitation? I don’t want you to hesitate. Even tho I wanna be with you but I have to force myself to not to that if you choose me because you can’t have her even tho I want you.
I do want you. Which is funny cuz I see myself with you. The first time we met up to talk and I gave you the German books, I wanted you then. It feels vulnerable to me to say that but when you were talking and looking in my eyes, I just wanted to hug you…
I wanted to tell you that everything is alright. I wanted to carry with you the burden you’re carrying all alone. I wanted to have you in my arms and reassure you. Someday, I wanted you to feel safe enough with me to cry in my arms and know that no matter what I’ll always be there for you. I wanted to hold you, and tell you that I’m proud of you and that you’re the strongest person I know. I wanted to tell you that I don’t see you the way people around you or your family do. I see you as a beautiful soul that deserves to be loved for who he is, not for your grades or for your achievements. You deserve to be loved properly and I want to love you properly.
Maybe you see that, maybe you don’t. Someday you randomly get to know someone and that person might change your life. The thing is I really want to be that person to you. I want to be the one to love and support you till we’re both old. But it doesn’t seem like you want the same thing as much as I do…
I hate being a second option. A backup plan. I hate how I’m taken for granted. I hate how you don’t see what I want to give you. I hate how you’re not considering me as your first option. Why can’t I be your first option? Why can’t I be the one you first think of when love is brought up? Why do I feel like I’m just a placeholder?
I wish I could get all of these answers rn. But unfortunately this is not how the world works. I wish I could text you, hear your voice, see your face…
As much as I hate to admit it, but I miss you even tho the last time we talked was a few hours back. Why can’t I hold the same place in your heart? What is missing in me…