Feeling Torn About My Cousin’s Engagement- Am I overthinking this ?
My cousin and I 22F are really close, and I’m genuinely worried about a big life decision she’s about to make. She’s 21F, just graduated, and has been dating a guy who’s 26M. I respect that it’s her life and her choice, but something about him has always felt off to me. One thing that stands out is that he’s never really tried to get to know me or our family.
What worries me most is how fast all of this is happening and the reason behind it. His parents are pushing for a Roka ceremony mainly so they can tell their family/religious community that they’ve “secured” my cousin . Even hearing it put that way makes me uncomfortable. And when I talked to her about it, she said she just wants to get done with the ceremony . That honestly feels concerning to me.
The hard part is that she thinks my concerns are about him, when really they’re about her. She’s 21. She just graduated. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask her to slow down for a second and really ask herself, “Is this what I truly want, or am I feeling pressured into it?”
The problem is that, over time, I’ve seen my cousin get pushed into this relationship again and again. I honestly can’t tell if she’s actually happy or if she’s just pretending everything is fine.
One thing that really bothered me was when his mom contacted her mom and arranged a meeting with her parents while he wasn’t even in town. That was the moment I realized his mom has a habit of crossing boundaries. My cousin was 20 at that time.
And whenever I try to talk to my cousin about my concerns, she keeps telling me I need to think about his point of view too because “he’s getting older.” But my thinking is, if age was such a big concern for him, then maybe he shouldn’t have dated someone five years younger than him in the first place.
What also hurt was that her mom purposely kept the ceremony very small and didn’t even plan to invite our side of the family, while his family is clearly involved. That felt intentional, and I can’t lie, it bothered me.
I don’t want to be the person who stays quiet and regrets it later. But I also don’t want to push too hard and damage my relationship with her. What should I do?