I left.
I had another account on here where I posted quite abit about my boyfriends crack addiction. We were together for 9 years. He gave me an amazing 3 sober and took care of me when I initially got sick. I spent a long time hung up on that man. I guess I’m here to give a message of hope to anyone who gets out, or is still in the thick of it feeling guilty for not getting out.
You do not have to judge yourself for not getting out, you do not have to feel bad because you don’t leave, you don’t have to punish yourself cause you choose to stay. There is not embarrassment in staying.
But you also don’t have to judge yourself for leaving. You don’t have to feel bad for getting out. You don’t have to punish yourself cause you left and it’s not embarrassing to give up.
I think the thing is you never know when the time to leave is right, you have to gather up the courage, the reasourses, and mental energy to do it. It’s a lot.
I miss him all the time, I think a part of me always will. But it’s a hard disconnect to the man who took such good care of me to the man who lied, manipulated, stole and gave me horrible PTSD.
The first few months were unbearable, I cried every night, and it took everything in me not to beg him to come home. I made mistakes and hooked up with him, and I wanted to ask him to stay but I knew I couldn’t anymore.
Slowly over time life became simple again. I started going to the gym, cooking for myself, I moved away from the home that was filled with trauma, I surrounded myself with people who loved me and reminded me how strong I was every time I doubted my choice. I let go of 9 years and became single again at 26. I let go of my best friend. What I gained back though was worth the loss. I gained back my routine, my confidence, my happiness, my health.
I started dating again, I’m not sure if I will love again, or trust again, but I know what it’s like to be with a man who doesn’t hate me anymore.
Everyday feels lighter and lighter.
I wish I could have stayed sometimes. Sometimes when I hear he is out there getting sober I want to know why he couldn’t for me, but I also know that I could have never continued to stay. I was getting sadder and sadder everyday, and I needed to leave.
Don’t punish yourself for whatever choice you make. And just know you are strong, you are worthy, and you never deserved the trauma your Q caused you.