u/Difficult_Cold8006

I went to a different doctor today, and just like every other doctor I’ve seen, they said I have OCD. But no one understands the feeling inside me; perhaps I’m denying the truth—refusing to accept it. I keep wishing I could feel love for my husband, yet deep down, I don’t even believe in that "wish" anymore; it’s as if, deep down, I don’t actually want it. I want faith and hope...
Even as I write this, I feel a sense of being trapped—as if posting it here implies I want to leave—but I’m writing it anyway.

I can no longer understand what I’m feeling, nor do I know how to move forward. I’ve lost the belief that this is actually OCD; perhaps I was just using OCD as a shield for years to avoid taking responsibility for the breakup. I feel terrible; I haven't been able to feel love for years. While there were certainly times—in fits and starts—when I showed genuine affection toward my husband, I now constantly dwell on the past, specifically when the OCD first began. I wonder if I ended up this way because of the arguments we had. For instance, in the past, if a thought related to separation crossed my mind, I would avoid the action associated with it (like not touching something if the thought arose); now, however, the thought comes up, and I go ahead and do the thing anyway. It doesn't even trigger anxiety in me anymore; it’s as if I’m doing it because, deep down, I want to separate—I’ve come to accept it. I know my relationship isn't perfect and my husband isn't a "super" partner; throughout the relationship, there were many times we blamed each other, or issues like him being controlling in the past—though he doesn't really interfere or meddle anymore. Yet, I get stressed now and then because I worry that my love has faded precisely because of those things. I don't know what to do. I would be very happy if anyone wanted to talk to me.

Hello everyone. I’d like to share how my OCD started, and honestly, I’m curious about how yours began, too. I have a history of OCD, and it was present in this relationship from the very beginning; however, since I knew I loved him deeply, I never really let it bother me. We were having issues in the relationship—specifically, my then-boyfriend (now husband) and I were constantly arguing; he was jealous, put a lot of pressure on me, and was controlling. Gradually, I began to question my love for him and became unhappy (this was around three years ago). I was constantly questioning things; I felt on edge and unhappy whenever I was around my husband. Of course, there were happy times too, but over these three years, I’ve suffered through episodes—sleepless nights, times when stress made me vomit—and I’ve seen many doctors and therapists, though there were times when the process itself triggered me. I kept wondering: Was I just hiding behind my OCD? Did my love for my husband actually die because of those arguments three years ago, and I just couldn't accept it? I’ve suffered so much and made so many confessions. I kept finding new things to fixate on—wondering if I felt this way because of the arguments, or because my husband has a short temper, or because of the kind of person he is. And my current fear is: Did my love for my husband actually end back then, and am I still unable to accept it? There have been times when I considered leaving; even now, I don't know if I want to or not, and it makes me sad—it hurts. For instance, my birthday is coming up in a few days and he’s going to buy me a gift, so I think, "I shouldn't leave now; I’ll buy him a gift for his birthday and *then* leave," because I feel like I’d feel guilty otherwise. Is there anyone else who thinks the way I do? How did your OCD journey begin?

Are there others who wonder why people on platforms like Instagram or TikTok break up with their partners or divorce their spouses? My first thought is usually that they simply stopped loving the other person, which is why they separated or divorced. Is there anyone else who feels the same way, or am I the only one who thinks like this?

Hello everyone; I’m writing here for the first time, though I’ve always read along from afar. I was previously diagnosed with OCD; I used to have severe anxiety and was deeply troubled by my feelings and thoughts—I would overthink constantly. But suddenly, those thoughts stopped, and I began to feel certain; now, they no longer bother or scare me. There are no intrusive thoughts anymore—I’m just unhappy. I’ve reached the point where I’m certain I don’t love my husband at all. I think about leaving, but then I worry about how to actually do it; I feel sad for my husband and agonize over how to tell him. In the past, whenever I didn't feel anxious, I used to tell myself, "That must mean I don't love him anymore," but now I can't even say that—I’m simply unhappy. When I see my husband, I become even more convinced that I don't love him, and I feel genuinely sad. It feels like I’m just avoiding accepting the truth—after all, that’s exactly how people who refuse to accept reality behave—but even that doesn't scare me anymore; I’m just saddened by my situation. I tell myself I don't want to be this way, though I don't know if that's just to avoid the pain of separation. I don't feel a sense of urgency, either; I didn't feel any urgency even while writing this. I’m just sad about where I am because I’ve battled this for years, and now this is where I’ve ended up... it’s heartbreaking. I used to experience "backdoor spikes," but I was never like this before; in fact, I used to worry \*more\* when I didn't feel anxious. It feels like no one understands me because, throughout the day, I’m truly just sad. I know I don't love my husband, and I’m upset about it—or rather, I don't even want to say "it feels like," because I think I’m just afraid to face the reality. I hope I’m not alone in this. This turned out a bit long, but I’d be very happy if anyone wanted to talk to me.

Hello everyone; I’m writing here for the first time, though I’ve always read along from afar. I was previously diagnosed with OCD; I used to have severe anxiety and was deeply troubled by my feelings and thoughts—I would overthink constantly. But suddenly, those thoughts stopped, and I began to feel certain; now, they no longer bother or scare me. There are no intrusive thoughts anymore—I’m just unhappy. I’ve reached the point where I’m certain I don’t love my husband at all. I think about leaving, but then I worry about how to actually do it; I feel sad for my husband and agonize over how to tell him. In the past, whenever I didn't feel anxious, I used to tell myself, "That must mean I don't love him anymore," but now I can't even say that—I’m simply unhappy. When I see my husband, I become even more convinced that I don't love him, and I feel genuinely sad. It feels like I’m just avoiding accepting the truth—after all, that’s exactly how people who refuse to accept reality behave—but even that doesn't scare me anymore; I’m just saddened by my situation. I tell myself I don't want to be this way, though I don't know if that's just to avoid the pain of separation. I don't feel a sense of urgency, either; I didn't feel any urgency even while writing this. I’m just sad about where I am because I’ve battled this for years, and now this is where I’ve ended up... it’s heartbreaking. I used to experience "backdoor spikes," but I was never like this before; in fact, I used to worry *more* when I didn't feel anxious. It feels like no one understands me because, throughout the day, I’m truly just sad. I know I don't love my husband, and I’m upset about it—or rather, I don't even want to say "it feels like," because I think I’m just afraid to face the reality. I hope I’m not alone in this. This turned out a bit long, but I’d be very happy if anyone wanted to talk to me.