Sitting and laying down hurts so bad (I fucked up)
Anyone else feels like this? This shit srs got me thinking i was not built to be thin because ever since i started feeling pain on monday last week i started to panic, it got worse when i came back from school and went to sleep. It was UNCOMFY AS HELL. I changed positions so many times I only managed to fall asleep because how tired l was of crying because it’s all my fault. No one told me to starve myself and lose muscle in the process. I was even warned by my mom who insisted that I was mostly losing muscle but my dumbass didn’t listen. The scale number was going down anyways no? I didn’t care, well, I was stupid asf for thinking that way, and now I have to be responsible for my actions. I was happy about being a few kgs from my desired weight, but huhhh I guess I’ll have to say goodbye to that idea and it’s making me feel shitty cus reaching that goal was the only thing that kept me going.
So, what I get is that I lost so much muscle that I don’t have that extra padding on my body to provide a cushion everytime I sit, so what I need rn is to gain muscle… I have to eat more protein, lift weights… sounds easy but it’s not sitting right with my spirit either because I’m afraid of gaining everything back again. I have been following a restrictive diet, so I’m aware of cases where you end gaining everything back after you go back to eat “normally” and that’s fucking me up like it even makes me want to continue restricting myself even if my ass hurts. Either way, my plan is to up my intake every week, just so my body gets used to it, i'm not planning to eat up to my maintenance in a go, which means I'm gonna have to bear with this pain for longer if not more time than I think because istg i might crash out if I end gaining everything back somehow and I end going back to restricting to eternity.
Besides, what’s also bothering me is that I’m the same weight I was 2 weeks ago when I weighted myself, and I haven’t eaten that much to gain anything, if anything I thought I had lost more weight after feeling that pain and seeing that my bones were visibly showing up even more, but when I weighted myself yesterday, I saw that I was still the same weight I was 2 weeks ago… does that even make sense? I look “bonier” and have that pain but somehow I’m still the same weight I was that week when I felt perfectly fine? I just don’t get it bruh, I’m writing this post confused like what tf is going on with my body and also I’m dealing with stomach pain because I binged.. I just feel so embarrassed of my mom seeing me on this state like not this shit happening on mothers day..