so embarrassed after a spiral
i met a guy and we were getting really close. he works in the mental health field so we’d talk extensively about my issues and bpd and he seemed to understand me very well. i told him about my abusive ex and how he abandoned me and the spiral i went into that almost killed me. he promised he wouldn’t ghost me like that.
then he didn’t talk to me for 8 days. i was freaking out. it sent me into an extreme episode. we’re both adults. i should be able to function when someone ignores me for a week. but it was so sudden and i couldn’t handle it. i’m very fragile right now and he knew that. he had just become my fp and broke me out of the years long obsession with my ex. i finally felt calm and that i had fallen for someone that could handle me.
so i sent him a final text last night saying goodbye and how much im hurting over this. and he finally responds saying someone in his family is really sick and he’s upset over it.
i feel like such an asshole. i posted self harm vids on my snapchat last night like i’m still in high school. i’m such a manipulative pos. and here all along he’s dealing with something real. this is why i can’t do relationships. i can’t get close to anybody. and i’m so selfish that im STILL angry that he ignored me for so long even when he’s got this going on. i hate everything. definitely not done spiraling over this. my mind is telling me to use this to fuel my downward spiral. i was already on this path before him and he came to me promising that he wanted to help. but i’m hopeless and i wish he would’ve just left me alone.