Vent and Concerns
Major trigger warning to preface this post!! Please do not continue reading if EDBs will trigger you.
Ok so I am posting this because I have realized there isn’t a person on earth I have that I can actually tell this to. The backstory is I have a very long standing restrictive ED with I believe 6 treatments (the last was in-patient and residential) discharged about 6 weeks ago. I now have a full outpatient team through Equip. So I left treatment after about 7weeks due to wanting/needing to return to work. I was still at a low BMI at d/c but had made lots of progress at treatment. I have since then not done too great. Far better than before, but still struggling. My weight also has dropped since leaving residential. This brings me to the last couple weeks. After lots of pondering and talking myself into and out, I have used my spouses weight loss drug (won’t name it but it’s very popular atm) twice, despite telling myself I’d never do that. After the last time, I also combined some laxative, and lots of Bang energy drink and ended up lying on bathroom floor feeling very ill. Terrible nausea, diarrhea and super dizzy and very scared. Almost went to emergency department but ended up feeling better thankfully. Despite an underweight bmi, and a very scary bathroom event I still keep talking myself into using the med again next week. No one knows or would ever think I’d do this btw, or it wouldn’t even be in the house! What is wrong with me I am so fucking broken. I wish I had the guts to confess this to my treatment team before something serious happens.
If you read this far thank you for hearing this vent/confession/cry for help/I don’t know what 😅 and I am truly wishing everyone the very best and a full life of happiness and complete recovery! ❤️🩹