In denial of my relapse
I’ve never posted on here but I figured I give it a go. I’ve struggled with my body for as long as I can remember. Growing up I have 2 older sisters that I really looked up too. When we would go out to eat my parents would always let us order whatever we wanted! Both of them would legit pounce at the desserts fighting over it like crazy when it would be gone in less than a min. Leaving me with none, which I didn’t realize at the time was pretty much a sign of my future struggles. They would eat everything all the time and my parents quickly noticed I didn’t have the same appetite as them so if I did end up eating something the usual they would say “ it’s your eating day!” Not the greatest feeling to be called out like that. Anyways I was always a small kid , I was premature about 3 1/2 months early. I wasn’t supposed to make it. But I did and i think not being born at a normal time did affect my mental health tremendously. I was put in gymnastics and absolutely loved it! But those leotards would be the death of me 🤣 I was always watching what I ate and made sure I’d stay the “ small sister” fast forward to when I was 11 I became extremely depressed and started sh very badly and that a whole different story but with that came SI and many attempts and baker acts. Then a treatment center which I went to got mental health but it was also an ed center I just wasn’t in that program but it started everything. I always restricted but never knew about purging until I saw the girls do it there. The treatment centers were the next chapter of my life going to one coming home and going to another and so on. Eventually I got sent to a wildness program as a last option and it broke me entirely. I was a shell of a person completely brainwashed. Came home and began adult life and got my first job it was nice to be needed and I seemed to be doing well but lt quickly turned into a full blown Ed first heavy restriction and then the b/p started and it got bad real fast. I remembered finishing my shift and every day going to buy food and lax. I was taking 30 pills a day It was terrible. I told my parents and recovered myself. Next I went to cosmetology school and was okay but also I forgot to mention I had some substance abuse issues stemming from not wanting to be here. Anyways I went to a different treatment center half way through and came back my class had already graduated and it made me feel like a failure. Fast forward I worked at a salon was bullied and quit and became agoraphobic for a year and that triggered the worse relapse with my ed it got very very bad. I went to another treatment center that actually was for Ed for the first time. I turned 21 the 3rd day I got there! And they made me eat cake bro ! Got kicked out from insurance and only could do php for a 2 weeks and then I was home again. Fast forward many years I was kinda stable and last few years I was restricting not crazy but just enough to maintain. Then October sent me into a huge relapse idk just seeing me in costume in a picture was extremely triggering. At that time my grandma fell and got surgery and was at a rehab for a few weeks and with my parents not being home restricting was so so easy and then I was my lowest ever, I had stopped vaping for the first time since I started smoking at 18! So 10 years of nicotine and never not having it was legit crazy. My face slimmed out I wasn’t puffy at all and got the most compliments ever! I loved it. Until the honey moon phase was over and the actual health effects were getting too much. I lost my period and I never did it the past so I feel like it was kinda validation for me? Anyways hospitals and doctors and etc I was like I need to enjoy life again so I upped my intake which was extremely hard seeing the change but I needed it to happen was okay eating but I got covid and strep at the same time so I was quarantined to my room for weeks that broke me. Fast forward again I went back to work extremely exhausted had a very bad day and was basically forced to quit my job Of 4 years. That was last month I remember telling myself it’s not gonna be like last time but I’ve gone back the restricting and now the b/p is back and I’m miserable I can’t go two days with it and my permanent retainer came out and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be able to get back to normal again. Anyways I know this was an extremely long post lol but just wanted to tell someone, anyone!