Origin of my vaginismus and sex anxiety?
Hiya, I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but I don't know where would be. Please lmk if there's somewhere better to post!
I have vaginismus, and I think I've had it as long as I can remember. It's not super severe, and I'm not interested in receiving vaginal penetration, so I've never seen a doctor about it.
I know vaginismus is often (but not always) linked to trauma, but I've never experienced any sexual trauma. Weirdly, though, when I'm having sex (of any kind, but especially when receiving, e.g. oral), I'm often overcome with this feeling of panic, and I freeze and find it hard to communicate. Once (TMI), when bottoming anally, the top slipped out and accidentally tried to put it back in in the wrong place, and I freaked out, immediately ran to the bathroom, and had a panic attack.
I just don't understand where it all comes from? I know part of it is dysphoria - I'm transmasculine - but I don't think that explains nearly all of it. I was raised very neutrally about sex, no shame, and given appropriate sex-ed from a young age. I've never experienced any non-sexual trauma, either. I have a neurological disorder that is often linked to trauma, on top of this all.
Anyways. I'm at a loss. The vaginismus isn't a problem for me sexually, but all the maybe-related anxiety is, and it makes it difficult to have intimacy with my girlfriend. I'm wondering if anyone has similar experiences, or an idea of what might be behind it all?