[LF] Bamboo shoots, saplings & young bamboo.
[FT] Bells, or just ask if I have it. Not willing to part with my nook miles. I don't build as much as I grind like an rpg. 😆
I don't quite know what I need to get out of this post, but I need to vent.
I (40f) currently live with my teenage daughter and my (40m) "partner". I use these terms very loosely. We have been "together" for 16 years, and lived together for 3-4 years. Everyday I feel like I'm in a prison. Everything I do, everywhere I go, and anyone I talk to, is questioned or scrutinized. I'm constantly walking on eggshells wondering what my day will be like. If a friend wants to do something, I have to tell them I'll have to see what the temperature is like at home. My whole damn life revolves around his reactions. And he put up cameras this week so he now knows every single time I go anywhere, the minute I left, and he's even commented on what I am bringing back in the house.
I have truly lost myself and my mental health has rapidly declined since living with him. It has always been bad, but in the psst I at least had my own place to go to at the end of the day. He is constantly threatening to kick me out if I go out and he decides he doesn't approve of who I was with, or where I was, or what time I came home. -And most of the time he assumes those things, and when I tell him honestly, he accuses me of lying. I won't even get into the terrible lies on his side because I have stopped letting it weigh me down even though it's hurtful, because I know his lies will never stop. Even when shown actual proof that he's been caught in a lie, he'll lie about the lie.
If I didn't do the chores to his liking, or am using the kitchen when he wants to cook, or am just in his space when he's in a bad mood, I get talked to like I am less than human. Being called stupid, or a ****ing idiot, ect. I am a very social person and he is not, and that's okay but I can't just sit in the house every day with nobody, when he won't go anywhere or do anything with me. He says he doesn't *GAF what or I or who I'm with but then I'm questioned almost always.
He also knows he has anger problems and will apologize once a month or so, saying he will try to be nicer, or that he knows he is not helping my mental health and I've gotten to the point where I don't even respond to it because these empty promises are just as insulting as his behavior. I never know which side of personality I'll be on. (90% of the time it's bad). The way he talks to me is absolutely insane. The amount of insults and belittling, swearing, is just mind boggling. He makes sure to make me feel worthless. I have my own short comings, and I certainly have reacted poorly at times, but it's been mainly survival instinct, and I would never treat ANY human being this way.
Please don't jump to conclusions saying I'm choosing to stay, it truly is not that simple. I do plan on leaving when my daughter graduates, and I am putting money aside, but I need to be financially stable and erase at least a good portion of my debt, which I have been doing a good job of. There is a long story as to why I can't leave currently (besides the economy and my debt). He does treat my daughter well, but it's also heartbreaking that my daughter is learning that it's okay to put up with this. He also undermines my parenting and speaks over me.
I have learned not to fight, although it's hard not to sometimes.
I've been avoiding going home after work and stopping at a friends to simply decompress and mentally prepare myself to go home which I know will cause more trouble, but my anxiety just kills me. I don't enjoy doing things I used to have fun with. When I do go out, I'm constantly on edge, or just feel guilty for not saving for my escape.
I am just so lonely and tired. SO lonely. Short of physical abuse, I truly feel like an abuse victim. I've never said that out loud because I feel it takes away from people who really are in much worse situations than me, but I never thought living with someone would make me feel so terribly alone and worthless and small.