u/DinoNuggy88

I (29F) first met my boyfriend (33M) via Hinge where we had great conversation. He had nice photos on his profile and seemed very calm and thoughtful. We decided to meet in person and when I first saw him I realized he used old pictures of himself, possibly about a few years old. Even though I felt a bit deceived I enjoyed our phone conversations and what I had learned about him so far so I decided I wanted to get to know him more and continue dating. We had deep conversations and shared lots of music. He was thoughtful with some gestures such as bringing me flowers, helping me with my dog, helping with migraines. Fast forward, and we decided to become exclusive. As time went on, we continually clashed heads around communication. He is a couples therapist and had a particular process in which he wanted us to talk through things. I noticed over time that he was considerably more sensitive than me and many conversations would lead to him crying. At first, I did not mind and felt honored that he would be comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me. However, over time it kept happening more and more. For example, we went out to eat and he was talking to me about his life. Once I started talking he completely zoned out and I brought it up that I felt he was checked out whenever I would speak. Then he began crying and told me how he struggles with ADHD. This became a continuing cycle to where I would bring up an issue mainly around him not really engaging in our conversation and switching topics back to himself constantly and he would become overly hurt, drag out a long conversation and remediation process and then cry and tell me about his ADHD. Most times when we would go out to eat, he wouldn’t ask for my preference on food and drink and would choose for me. He would walk in front of me a lot instead of with me. Would look through my cupboards a lot when he would come over and eat a lot of my food. In the beginning he was also a bit pushy with sex and later on he admitted he needed sex for the ADHD “dopamine” hit. Which hurt my feelings because I mentioned I wanted to wait a bit longer for sex in the beginning and he could have been more respectful. Those were annoyances that were adding up for me but weren’t overly detrimental in my mind. The disagreements over his attention kept coming up and really wore down on us. He gave me an ultimatum that’s going to cost me around $400 a month with splitting it since it would be a weekly therapy a month for 6 months and said if I don’t do it then we are done. He said it’s a non negotiable for him that we do couples therapy and that the person he dates be growth oriented. But we would also have to split it. The guy makes up to $15k a month from his business as he so likes to remind me that he makes good money. He is aware that I make substantially less than he does. And on top of that it just so happens to be a form of therapy he is curious about learning for his business….it feels like I am being used as a way for him to learn more therapy for his business…i told him I don’t have the means for that as it would cut into my budget and sessions would be scheduled during my work hours. But he did not budge or find a better solution. i have felt during this as if I am more of an accessory to him than a person. I also at one point mentioned how I was looking to switch jobs and he again made it about himself and asked if I was doing it to keep up with him and his lifestyle. At another point, he mentioned he had been on multiple therapy podcasts and has his therapy website and then was surprised that I hadn’t looked him up online but I told him I prefer to get to know him organically and that he never shared those links with me. I am trying to make sense of this as I am kind of novice at dating. I was married young out of high school prior to this and now I feel I am trying to learn about the dating world. All of this has only happened in a span of 3 months. Has anyone actually done couples therapy this early on and had it work for you? It sounds strange to me, but he uses he likes to leverage his fancy therapist talk.

TLDR:
My therapist bf gave me an ultimatum…and said if I don’t do it then we are done. He said it’s a non negotiable for him that we do couples therapy and we have to split it. The guy makes $15k a month. And on top of that it just so happens to be a form of therapy he is curious about learning for his business….we do have communication issues constantly so I do understand how therapy can help but this level of an ultimatum is a lot. All of this has only happened in a span of 3 months. Has anyone actually done couples therapy this early on and had it work for you?

TIA
Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read this and offer feedback. I am disappointed in myself for putting up with this but I can only learn from this lesson and move forward. Thank you