i made a surprising discovery today. for years i’ve been thinking of a way to explain to my adopters why it is that i can’t tolerate their company. beyond being willfully ignorant and in denial about adoption realities, they are narcissists who only believe their own narrative. there’s a long history of me feeling scared and alone.
i’ve known for a long time that there’s no way they’ll understand the problem, but today it fell into place for me, as to why they’ll never understand.
a great deal of my pain and frustration comes from the fact that they don’t listen. i’ve never felt seen or heard.
when i have big emotions they say, “we don’t understand,” and that’s the answer right there.
they don’t listen, and therefore understanding would be impossible.
although there are many other complexities about our relationship and the relationships that one might have within the triad, this feels so simple and obvious (though it’s taken me my entire life to realize).
they want a solution, so that we can be a family again (we were never a family). the solution is right there for them - just hear what i’ve been saying since i could talk.
there is an unwillingness to listen, the first step to understanding. that may never change. i’m seeing that now as an unwillingness to make this work. they want me to comply, it’s easier than facing their own trauma.
i always wondered if i carried some of the blame in this situation, and how much. i see now how that guilt was a tool of manipulation. blame is irrelevant. it’s all just how one either navigates their own trauma, or how one forces others to navigate it for them.
i’m going to be the person that i am, with or without them.