We’ve been together for 4 years and married for 3. When first started dating, we were having a healthy amount of sex, maybe 1-2 times a week. At around the 6 month mark, she suddenly tells me that she doesn’t like sex much and would often dissociate while we were having sex, citing past sexual trauma as the reason. From my understanding, her trauma stems from her downloading tinder at 16 and hooking up off and on for a few years with a guy who was 23. At one point, she actually told me she never wanted to have sex again. We struggled with it for the rest of the time we were dating and a little in the beginning of our marriage.
A little bit after we got married, she suggested that we do an open relationship for just me. So, I would be able to have sex with whoever while she wasn’t having sex with anyone. I struggled with this for a few months, refusing to do it because I would have felt so bad about it. The idea of me going out and banging random chicks while my wife was at home just didn’t sit well for me.
A few months later, she grabbed my phone and downloaded Tinder for me. Not sure why, but it seemed like she really wanted me to do it. She also gave me her rules for the open relationship, nobody we knew, etc. I told her I was only going to do it if she did too. She downloaded Tinder for a week or so but shut down the idea quickly. That is, until the guy she was hooking up with at 16 just randomly texted her seeing if she was still in the area.
I had a major problem with this. If she wanted to have sex with some random Joe off the street, I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all. The thing is, I didn’t like the idea of having sex with our exes. It’s like she’s had me and she’s had him, and her entertaining the idea of sex with him made me feel second-rate, especially when this whole thing stemmed from her not wanting to have sex at all. We talked about it, I told her how I felt, and she stopped texting him. That was that.
After a few months, I finally went and met up with someone. We had sex and that was that. When I got home, my wife was bawling her eyes out, saying she couldn’t believe I actually did it. I had to say I didn’t even finish just to make her feel better and get past it. The next day, I deleted Tinder.
Soon after, she said she was down to start having sex again. I asked her if she would go on birth control because finishing inside is a huge turn on for me, but I really didn’t want a kid at that point in our lives. She agreed, saying she was into it too, but I knew she really wanted kids ASAP. She was saying she was taking it every day, but then she got pregnant like 3 months in. I’m not blaming her, she was on the pill and I understand that it’s difficult to remember to take the birth control every single day.
We didn’t have much sex during the pregnancy, which I was okay with. She was carrying our baby all day and I didn’t want to pressure her into sex. Plus, I got really weirded out by pregnancy sex because I felt like I was going to hurt the baby or something.
We just had our daughter 9 months ago. Since then, we’ve had sex about 5 times. She suggested the open relationship again, saying this time would be better and she wouldn’t get emotional like she did the first time. She said she didn’t want to know anything about it, just let her know when I was leaving to meet someone.
I reluctantly agreed and tried it for a while, but it’s really hard for a guy to find hookups without going to bars and clubs. I also just didn’t have much time to go and find hookups because I’m a father and a student now. Also, she asked me how the hookup search was going like every other week, so she clearly wasn’t honoring the “I don’t want to know anything about it” part. So, I shut down attempt number 2 at the open relationship. When I shut it down, she said she was down to have sex once or twice a week, which I would be content with. Well, it’s been over a month and we’ve had sex maybe once.
I’ve really been struggling with what to do. I guess I should have said this earlier, but my sex drive is pretty high. To compensate for the lack of sex, I jerk off at least once a day. I’m legitimately losing my mind.