ABOUT MYSELF:
I'm a man 24 years old, living alone and working in another country.
I should feel okay with myself but I am super addicted to porn, I started since I was 11 years old, don't know if I was raped since a family member used to rape other members when we gathered, normally he targeted alone people while sleeping, we found out later about that.
Don't know if he raped me or not but I wish sometimes that if he did that he had woken me up.
I've been masturbating almost everyday, 3 times a day on average, when i was 20 years old, I got a streak of a week without self pleasure but I haven't been able to do it again
I am depressed had an awful life, got in a lot of legal problem with the rapist member of my family, It has gone for 6 years now and he almost killed my parents one time, even with bruises and blood on their faces we reported that but no one has helped us and I feel guilty that at that time I was studying away from home and I couldn't do anything, sooner on that day I got a call from my brothers while being scared and nervous about how our parents were almost killed.
The job I have is too stressful. I can't keep going, my brain shuts down almost everyday so on weekend I normally sleep 12 to 18 hours and lay on my bed without doing anything except masturbate and sleep
Also I feel bad about myself, I'm bald, shy, chubby, virgin and have brown skin, I was bullied all my life and I have counted that on average I say 0-20 words a day, even when I have a kinda social work environment, I don't have a reason or motive to talk.
CONFESION:
I need help, my addiction keeps escalating and recently bought some dildos and a p-massager, I live in a shared apartment with thin walls and I am ashamed people have heard me fuck myself, I always try to be silent but the addiction consumes me.
I've spent around $300 dlls on toys and feel guilty to trow they away or maybe I should sell the to at least get something of the money I have spend on this addiction.
Recently since I am alone I have been using dating apps to find anyone to fuck but haven't got any result except for grindr but I am not gay just overstimulated because of porn, I like dicks but don't like men.
Today on grindr someone msg me to meetup in a place near me to hookup up in his car, I was hesitant but horny, I went there but when I met him, he smelled of smoke, had red eyes and was pushy and aggresive in a bad way like if he was on drugs, I obviously changed from horny to scared so luckily I could ran away and didn't got in his car.
It reminded me of that time when I was I 14 years old, I was groped by a Taxi driver, after my school day, when it was PE and was using short, I called an Uber to go back to my home. The driver politely invited me to seat on the front seat and after a while he started touching my legs. I didn't mind it since I don't know why I wasn't aware of the situation, it didn't escalate and I arrived safe at my house but now when I think about it, I get aroused, I could have had the opportunity to get raped for my first time.
I can't think straight, tried working out in my room but I am also addicted to it, I want a massive bubble butt since when I get it, people will grope me or rape me which I want to so, I work out my glutes on average 3 times a day, 3 days a week. Which I think is another coping mechanism for my overestimulation
OTHER PROBLEMS:
I have already went to a psychologist and they are thrash, they have only said to me to avoid watching porn, I obviously know that but don't know how to stop it, they say toys are okay to experience my sexuality and workout is fine since my body becomes healthier but I still feel it's an addiction
And just to end this, when I was little I always loved drawing and it got twisted when I was introduced to nsfw, I have completed 3 notebooks and used 300 blank pages to draw nsfw, it relaxes me but also makes me aroused, even with a job that pays me well, I have financial problems with my family, my parents are old and need medical help constantly which I can't afford but they have supported me all the time.
So I want to become a nsfw artist but everytime I try to learn, I just copy someone's art to learn how they drawn something and get aroused also, I have seen different Fandoms like clop, bbw, bestiality but the most recent one and the one that makes me confused and disgusted in myself is the one found in baraag.
CONCLUSION:
I need money but also I am depressed to do something, too overstimulated with porn, I don't know to what lengths I will go but I want to stop, post nut clarity always hit hard and I want to make my life better which is also kinda stupid since I am working in another country with a kinda well paying job just for myself and I have studied what I want which I love it.
Some part of me likes me as I am myself and what have I accomplished but also another part is scared of me and what I can become
What should I do with my addiction?,
How do I change my addctions to something healthier?
What should I do with the toys?,
What should I do with my life?
And also, I am overstimulated by tik tok and AI, I know my job but I rely everyday on Ai, to code, to think, to write emails, to write messages on WhatsApp, to build, to learn, etc. On the other hand, I spent almost 7 hours on tik tok on my free time with x2 speed
APOLOGIES:
Sorry if I didn't wrote this well, I should know English at a C1 - B2 level but I don't talk, I read it on a daily basis but I don't apply it, I can write but depend to much on Ai so, I'm really sorry if this wasn't well structured or some parts couldn't be understood well. I also know Spanish so anyone can comment in that language if they want.
Thank you for you time