Seeking Advice
I would like to preface this post by saying that I am not diagnosed with OCD, nor am I reaching for a diagnosis. I do not want to invalidate anyone’s experience, and I am not trying to self-diagnose. My reason for posting in this specific subreddit is because I resonate with a lot of signs and symptoms of ROCD, and because I believe many of you on here may have insight and positive advice about this topic. Again, I do not want to discredit anyone’s experience. With that being said, I want to mention that I have been formally diagnosed with BPD because I believe that gives some insight. If this is not an appropriate subreddit to post my concerns on, please let me know.
I (F21) and my boyfriend (M23) have been dating for about 8 months now. We have a very healthy relationship and have not had any distinct arguments. We have disagreements like I’d assume many couples do, but nothing that justifies or connects to my overthinking.
For the past 6 months of our relationship, I have felt like a crazy person. Any slight shift in tone or behavior from him makes me feel like he is secretly plotting on breaking up with me. Any time we are sitting in silence I think that he is getting bored of me. If I make eye contact with another man, I feel so deeply guilty, and some subconscious part of me tells me that I want that man, when I know I do not. I am constantly worried that my boyfriend will leave me, even if he CONSTANTLY reassures me that that is not the case. He talks about marriage, kids, and consistently makes sure I am loved, supported, and cared for. I recently underwent a major surgery, and he has been my rock throughout the entire process. When I really take the time to check the facts, the logical side of my brain tells me: “He obviously loves you!” And that I am being silly, however, I really can’t shake the deep gut feeling that he secretly hates me and wants to leave me, or that I am temporary in his life. It is so frustrating because I constantly have this internal argument, I can fact check, and try to give myself self reassurance, and I still can’t shake the feeling. Sometimes I even tell myself “Well, maybe this gut feeling is the universe trying to tell me he’s cheating on me!” Or even “Well, we haven’t texted for a lot of the day, he probably is upset at me”. It just feels like any amount of internal or external reassurance won’t shake the feeling.
Aside from wanting relief for myself, I really want advice on how to navigate and heal this part of myself because I worry that my constant need for reassurance will eventually drain my boyfriend. I have apologized and explained to him that sometimes I need it, and he expresses that “My emotions are healthy” and that “He wants to hear things that bother me so he can help me navigate them”, but this burden should not be his to bare. My need for reassurance may make him feel like he’s not doing enough, or may lead him to get drained by my emotions. While he hasn’t stated this himself, I do not want my need for reassurance and my negative thought pattern to become a wall in my relationship.
I genuinely want to marry this man, and he deserves the best version of me, and I deserve the best version of myself. Any advice on A: how you stopped asking your partner for reassurance (it feels almost impulse at this point), and B: how you silenced that angry voice in your head, would be very appreciated.
Sending love to those who see this that relate. You aren’t alone.