Coming into the Church as a girl
I'm 17 & Catholic but have always had Orthodoxy in my life. I discovered it through some friends and family before the internet unlike a lot of people it seems. When I was 13 I knew I wanted to become Orthodox, and I was kinda in my crazy zealot phase. Everyone told me to slow down, and I did, and in a lot of ways it's been a blessing.
But even though I tried to just 'not think about Orthodoxy' and be a good Catholic, it's taken such a toll on me. I feel this growing emptiness and sometimes depression and isolation even when I'm doing everything right, having mostly Catholic friends, being in Youth groups, going to Mass, etc. All I can think of is the only time I had peace in my heart is in the Orthodox Church, which made all the youtube polemics stuff not important to me anymore. None of the debates or apologetics matters, I just know that I have nothing and I need to go and be filled.
I couldn't take it anymore so I started visiting the Orthodox Church when it was open before services and by the Grace of God made it to 5 days of Holy Week ... but I go in secret. It saved my sanity, I was in such a dark place and it was the only thing keeping me going. Once a lady speaking to me took my hand and said 'here come talk to the priest it's good' and took my hand to lead me to him but I was embarrassed and said I had to leave. I have no one to talk to about this because my parents don't like Orthodoxy, and before when I tried to talk to adults about it who were in the Church they pushed me away because they don't want to get in trouble. Whenever I go to the Church I want to cry smelling the aunties cooking things in the kitchen because I know I'll have to leave before I can even speak to anyone to not get caught.
Everyone tells me to stick it out, and I have. For four years. And I am losing my mind. The only times I've regained the strength to pray and fight temptations, not felt constant anxiety in my heart is sitting in Church.
I emailed the priest with a prayer request and he didn't remember me even though I introduced myself to him before, but he urged me to come speak with him in person. I would like to do so, but I can only really do that early in the mornings before school and after it ends for the year I can't. I also have so many questions about more intimate things (related to religion) I don't know if I'm comfortable talking to a man about alone, even if he is a priest, and the Orthodox women I know don't really want to talk to me like I said before. I also don't want him to get in trouble because once my parents found me trying to email another priest for advice and they read the whole thing and got angry.
Everyone says 'oh but you're so young just wait' but I HAVE WAITED. I'm so tired. I have nothing left. Any prayers or advice is appreciated.