How do I move past feeling like a failure?
I (22M) am graduating college as a first-gen student at a top univeristy with a degree in public health at face value my life is going alright yet, just beneath the surface I know that I need to make some serious changes if I want to live a life I can be proud of.
Despite struggling to adjust to the academic rigor, I am graduating with a decent academic record, have made meaningful connections with many of my peers and professors (very lucky to have inspiring and ambitious friends). I'm dating a wonderful and supportive girl for a few years now (F22) that I could see myself eventually settling down with. Additionally, I have been working to reconnect with the various parts of my somewhat fragmented family after growing up separately from my father and many of my siblings.
However, despite being proud of these things behind all of it I feel as if I lost myself somewhere along the way over the past few years. I used to be excited by opportunities to challenge myself and learn, (Started as a pre-medical student and after quite a few difficult semester decided it wasnt worth risking loosing my scholarship due to poor grades in early pre-reqs) At somepoint I started sacrificing that ambition for the perceived security of the easiest/securist path towards getting my degree. As this attitude took root it eventually turned into not investing in my own learming experience and at times relying heavily on AI to complete my academic coursework.
When things became to stressful (due to school, relationships, finances, health staylyus of family back home, etc) I'd turn to some form of escape be it smoking weed, spending ample amounts of time on my phone scrolling social media, throwing myself into unfulfilled relationships to feel as if I wasn't facing lifes challenges alone or spreading myself thin by overcommiting myself to justify instances of failing to fulfill obligations.
Those coping mechanisms became habits that have only further solidified over time. I've slowly grown more and more complacent, lazily achieving what feels like the bare minimum, living in a constant state of cope and feeling like its increasingly hard to show up honestly and authentically with the people I care about. Perhaps even worse when I'm alone I feel a deep sense of discomfort as in many ways I've come to loathe myself. Impulsively, I feel the urge to just confess my shameful behaviors to my loved ones although I am unsure how much good that will do ultimately.
Now as I approach this pivotal time of my life I realize I dont have many tangible skills or stromg passions, have diminished whatever sense of resilience I once had, and have very little idea of what I actually want to do with my life. I feel lost, uncertain, indecisive, and in many ways like I've failed both myself and the people I care about. All of this as I am also very aware that my time/resources are limited and the longer I wait to act with intention the harder it will be to find my way later on.
I am currently planning on moving home post-graad for the time being until I can finally find a job amd get on my own two feet. Though I'm trying to take it day by day and not be to hard on myself, I want to take advantage of this time of transition and use it as a catalyst to make some positive changes. I'm hoping for some nuggets of advice or words of wisdom on where to start and how to keep things sustainable long-term.