u/Direct_Ad224

I wanna apologize because this is gross and I feel very shameful and guilty about it. This is disgusting, and I hate to have to make a post like this.

We've gone back to older topics recently or at trying to, and alot of them are of sexual nature. Which I don't usually have a problem talking about, I'm rather comfortable in that area for the most part. But the rupture I think messed alot of things up, including my comfort in sexual topics. So this is gonna have to be brought up either way, but this specific niche area is where I'm having an insanely hard time with.

I have had a very wierd sexual past to be honest. I've been watching porn since I was 8yo, I have done quite questionable things and still sometimes have the urge to do it again (I don't tho because it's wrong), and I have started to objectify my therapist alot, and lust is the top priority when it comes to women. I've been fantasizing, and objectifying her alot. Purely based on how she looks, and her body.

The urges have become quite strong when it comes to that stuff, and I constantly think about making bad decisions with them (nothing like physically harmful or nun) and it's very overwhelming to be honest. I call it "monkey brain" because it does whatever it wants, with whoever. No limits, and then I get urges to do it. But I am able to stop myself.

I've been struggling alot to like focus in sessions too. Because I'm just always looking at her, and stuff like that. I feel actually horrible about it and am aware it's wrong and gross, when I can think straight and my "monkey brain" has gone away.

I just don't know how to approach this, because I don't know if I should say something about it (not much detail unless absolutely necessary), and what she can even do to help. If anything.

What should/can I do?

There was a bad rupture late last year that hasn't been resolved and I've just been pushing myself in session, almost to the limit. But being wildly dissapointed or frustrated with how the sessions have gone and that hurts alot more than I could've imagined it would. Especially since early last year it was so good, and so fucking strong.

Anyways, I just tried today to get thing back on track and it was just bad. I already emailed telling her we are to focus on what went wrong with today, in our next week's session.

I won't lie, I don't have high hopes. While therapy has been an actual life-saver, and I mean that literally, despite all the frustrations it's brought. It's scary to imagine it going away, for any reason at all. Like it hurts in my abdomen, in an emotional gut wrenching kind of pain. I've even shed a tear, and I haven't cried in actual years.

I do hope it goes well, but I don't think it will. Maybe since we'll focus directly on the session and what went wrong, it'll be better. Im not sure. It's just a terrible feeling after 2 years, I got next to nowhere and actually in a worse spot than I started.

My brain is just a giant soup of emotions right now.