Feeling hopeless and needing to vent
I know a lot of people are going through a lot and there’s no use complaining, but I need somewhere to put these feelings that’s not on my partner. I am 25 my partner is 23. We have been together for 5 years. We’ve been through a lot. I moved out of my mom’s house when she found out about our relationship and tried to make us stop seeing each other when I was 20. I didn’t want to stay with his family as he has 5 siblings, but living in my car wasn’t great either, so we stayed with his family on the week days and my grand parents on the weekends. This worked because I needed to help with my grandmother who was bedridden. We both worked at the Mart of Walls I typically picked up shifts, or worked late to make extra money because of high car insurance (new drivers insurance is too expensive tbh). I was working to the point I was getting little to no sleep. I have anxiety and depression so that wasn’t new. Then as my grandma got worse she needed more care. My sister was her main care taker (Mon-Thus) since she went to college for nursing. My mom would go take over when she got off work and Fridays until I got off work to take over. Or if I didn’t work I was to take care of her. I love my grandmother, but there’s only so long one can go without proper sleep, or eating since there’s no food at my grand parents house. I was fired for having to take care of my grandmother and some time later my partner broke his arms then they fired him.
His father (I don’t like) was constantly taking a majority of my partners paycheck to avoid getting a job, and got mad at us for “not contributing to the house” despite us having chores on top of working everyday. So his father was trying to convince me to pay half of what my fiance was paying to “even it out” (I was a janitor at this time) he was charging every paycheck about close to $400 so $800 or more a month and we got nothing. We bought the bed, we shared a room with his sister to be sure we didn’t ‘sin’. Everyone would use our door as the main door despite them having two doors to outside on the other side of the house. The house is infested you can’t have food or open drinks, and the bathroom didn’t work. We were getting less than nothing out of this, so we decided to live in my car until we figured something out. We left basically all of our things. We snuck over to my grand parents for a bath and a nap on weekdays. I started babysitting and doordashing 24 hrs along with helping out with my grand mother. At some point I twisted my right ankle and couldn’t drive for a while. My grandfather begrudgingly let us live in the basement. My mom flipped when she found out, but she couldn’t do anything. My partner has surgery around the same time, so neither of us were working. I was struggling to keep up with my insurance, and feeding us, and caring for my grandmother while babysitting and injured. My grand father is very critical and took any opportunity to call me selfish and stupid.
My grandmother died a few months ago so we started looking for places to go since my grand father clearly didn’t want us there. I won’t get into what eventually happened to make us leave it was my fault, not what I’m talking about.(At this point my partner got a job in insurance). Our friend and their boyfriend let us crash with them while we were waiting to be approved to rent a house (a week or two) their boyfriend didn’t like us being there just the kind of person he is since I was offering my cleaning service while there to make our impact as small as possible after a week we just needed a moving truck. He paid and helped move our things to the house. We were on our own for the first time. Things were looking up. Until the insurance company said they didn’t have enough room to keep the new people they hired and let him go. As soon as everything was going good it went bad again. Got into a wreck and totaled my car my main source of income was got in a blink. We were completely fine. I was given a ticket and my car was towed. Thankfully when my grand father heard he offered to help buy me another since cars are important in the US, but we already couldn’t make rent and we were evicted a month later. Start of May we moved back in with his father. I miss read my ticket court date and am now having to worry about my license being suspended if I don’t pay the $375 which I’m struggling to make with everything being so expensive. We have animals, we need food, my car needs gas, I had to buy a new tire, I need an oil change . It never ends and I’m $11 away from having enough, but I need to go up this week and how can I tell my partner no we can’t afford to eat today because I’m worried about this ticket. I’m stressing and my mind just keeps saying I don’t want to live. I want someone to kill me. I can’t tell my partner that. I don’t know what to do.