I don’t think my mom likes me …
My mom had me when she was 17. She got married to my dad at 20/21, I acknowledge and understand her position but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve felt ostracized since I was a kid.
My dad was a narcissist and my mom the enabler to a certain degree. Her own childhood as the oldest daughter had HER parentified and I believe she genuinely was indoctrinated with the idea of marriage being the best option for her as a woman. (Both of my parents are Gen X raised by Boomers so there’s that..)
My mom frequently argued with my dad about his parenting style and was my advocate growing up, which is why the relationship between us now is so strange. If I’m honest though, I’ve understood since a teenager that I wasn’t going to be understood.
When I hit puberty and started to become interested in the arts and performing, my mom was my biggest supporter: bragging about me to family, being at all my POMS games and recording etc … but I came to understand that it was only because dance and the arts was a passion she herself didn’t get to fulfill because she got pregnant with me her junior year of high school. I noticed that she would give me hollow praise for my accomplishments/excitement about things she hadn’t experienced , and then redirect the conversation back to her and how SHE used to do the thing I’m talking about when she was in school. After college, when I started to accomplish more of my dreams and aspirations it was the same thing: a monotone “oh okay..” and then nothing. No follow ups, no concern, no real questions. I felt it then, but because my mom was an emotional, financial support system I couldn’t understand why I got such disinterest.
I could vent to her about work drama, boyfriend drama and she would give the most practical, understanding advice… but me talking to her about my spirituality and gifts, the connections I’ve made, the blessings I’ve received.. were always met with disinterest. Yet recently she’s discovered God again and the church and now is spiritual, but won’t acknowledge my impact on her. I’ve lowkey had to raise her, I was the one who encouraged her to divorce my narcissistic father (they’re STILL married on paper) to follow her dreams, to travel. Everything was about her; she would listen but not listen really, but then turn around and apply my advice completely divorced of my influence. She poured into me regarding things she had the capacity to understand: relationship drama, people drama and practical tips around surviving. Cooking, fixing things/DIYing.. just life skills. I will give her that, I stay calling her for advice about things because she has a lot of random knowledge.
I have a distinct memory of throwing my first event. She came up to me and said she was proud and I was soo uncomfortable. Every achievement I had ever been congratulated for by her, she had to take credit for in some way. Or be involved in… but behind the scenes there was no emotional support. I remember giving her a fake thank you and she brought it up to me months later, saying she peeped that it was a fake thank you and wanted to know why. When I tried to explain that I was uncomfortable, because growing up she never complimented any achievements outside of herself, she then got defensive.
I‘ve always moved away, pursued my dreams and been okay standing out, but I’ve had to move home for a bit recently. Our relationship is so weird now, she really doesn’t care about anything I have to say even if she asks the question. I‘m just tired of shrinking and not fully being safe expressing my power because of her subtle digs about my skills (despite me being 31 and being on my own for most of my adulthood, she still questions simple things like whether I know how to drive safely..) and her slightly putting my little sister who has never moved away from home on a pedestal. (She knows about her goals and interests lol)
There’s so much more lore, but I just wonder if there’s anyone who can relate to a parent not necessarily being overtly abusive… but still feeling unseen, unheard and just neglected? It doesn’t help that I look like my mom and my whole childhood and even adulthood has been hearing “omg you look just like your mom“ or people calling me “moms name” Jr and her getting an ego boost instead of correcting them…
Like has anyone experienced just general disinterest in YOU as a person; an evolving, self aware person? Especially if you’re actively breaking generational curses! I’m just so drained by the dynamic