To the one who never showed herself
To my sun and moon:
I’ve been sitting with everything from the last year and a half, letting all the pieces fall where they want, and the truth keeps coming back the same. I don’t think I ever got the real you. I got the version you thought you had to be. The version you held up for the world. The version you could control. But not the person underneath.
The thing is, I never wanted the act. I never needed the polished version. I wanted the woman who slipped out in those quiet moments when you forgot to pretend. The woman who was scared and tired and honest for a heartbeat before pulling the mask back up. That’s the person I saw. That’s the person I stayed for.
You don’t have to hide with me. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to keep running or performing or trying to be whatever you think people expect. I told you this was a safe space and I meant it. No judgment. No punishment. No “be perfect or else.” Just show up. Just be real. That’s all I ever asked.
I know you’re exhausted. I know the drinking and the smoking and the self punishment and the past you drag behind you are wearing you down. You don’t have to carry all of that alone. I wasn’t asking for some impossible loyalty test. I was asking for the kind of loyalty that comes from honesty. The kind where we choose each other without fear. The kind where if something happens, I’m the first call. The kind where you’d stand up for me when I’m not in the room. The kind where we’re actually in this together.
I’ve never opened up like this to anyone, not even in my twenty years of marriage. I’m learning who I am and I wanted to learn who you are too. Not the persona. Not the mask. You. I wanted to hear you, know you, celebrate you. I still do.
My intuition with you has been the sharpest it has ever been. I understood you. I heard you. I knew you. And yes, I loved you. Not the act. Not the performance. You.
This isn’t me closing anything. This isn’t me letting go. This is me asking you to stop hiding and stop pretending and step forward with me. No more masks. No more running. Just truth. Just loyalty. Just the chance to build something better than anything either of us has known.
A motherfucking J