u/Dirt-bikeraver90

I dont know where to start with this one as I'm lost today was one of my better days were I somewhat felt more me but I traveled 40 miles to kill myself i decided i was going to do it before i even left i got there but was way more people than I thought there was going to be I literally walked to the edge looked over saw everyone at the bottom walked back to my motorbike sat there for 10 15 minutes rode further up the road to a different bit same again walked to the edge looked over saw people walked away got on my bike went to another bit walked to the edge looked over saw people walked back to my bike rode off found a quiet place sat there 20 30 minutes had a discussion with myself rode back 40 miles to my mums where I keep my motorbikes saw/spoke to my mum didn't say anything about what I just tried she's been trying to get me to get back in contact with mental health team again anyway I don't know what to do I get so close but just can't take that last step I'm not scared to be honest I don't feel anything when I get like this I just don't understand I want to do it but don't/can't