Hi,
New to poly— A few months in.
Also sorry in advance for long ish post.
Background: I have been with my partner for 5 years, we started as a throuple with his wife, myself and him. They ultimately got a divorce, a year in (not related to me, they were terrible for each other).
So a few months ago, I decided to open up about my feelings of CNM which has blossomed to me finding a possible poly partner. We have navigated a lot of feelings of inadequacy on his end, which we have talked through and grown from.
He has a fwb with mild feelings (he prefers to use fwb) and has seen her multiple times in the past month and a half. Which I totally support. We have talked through my anxieties about it. They’ve had sex multiple times, again full support. My partner is more of the anxiety person, I am cooler and not really a jealous person.
So the initial plan was for a poly kitchen table situation (which is still the plan, just giving background) and then us all having a threesome initially so all parties are included and anxieties “eased”.
Situation: we have been talking to possible partner (J) and arranged a date last night. Initially was going to be all three of us, then child care issues so it was just myself and J. Everyone was comfortable and on board. J and I had a lovely date and went back to the house to hang out and possible festivities. We all hit it off, had a threesome. Which, a mfm has been a fantasy of mine for a while.
So primary partner (R) has some insecurities, mostly about size. I have never been particular about size, and R has a good size and we have great sex. Like, he is the only man that has made me ejaculate. J is a little bit bigger and R was a little intimidated.
Concerns: R voiced concern about how much I enjoyed having sex with J, because I was more vocal than when R was inside me. My vocals wax and wane. Subjectively, I feel like I was slightly more vocal but not excessive.
We have talked through that just bc it’s different doesn’t mean it’s better/worse. It’s just adding to it, not subtracting. But I have yet to say this regarding his concerns above.
He feels inadequate and borderline upset (related to his anxiety about inadequacy) about the situation and would prefer that we don’t have threesomes with J anymore. But is okay with me talking to J and seeing him.
I feel pretty guilty about enjoying sex with J last night— point blank. I enjoyed the whole situation, I thought it was really fucking hot. I made sure I gave both men attention, to make sure everyone felt included bc I know how much anxiety R has. Everyone had an orgasm. I’m so unsure how to navigate all of this really and just need some advice and/or reassurance that I’m not fucking this up. His feelings are valid and I’m not trying to diminish them I just need another point of view or something.
We also haven’t had a hard boundaries conversation (regarding sex) bc we haven’t had a mfm threesome so we didn’t know what to expect.
It’s hard bc we had the threesome last night and then I work today and we can’t debrief.
Thank you for reading my word vomit I’m having a lot of hard feelings