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My (34F) grandma (96F) had been slowly declining for around seven years. She had developed dementia and gradually became harder to care for, but she always stayed in her own home because that was what she wanted. She was incredibly stubborn, fiercely determined, and had always made it clear that she had absolutely no interest in leaving this earth any time soon.

We’re a big family and my grandma was the heart of all of it. She was kind and cared so much for others even if it was to her detriment. She spent a lot of time at church and caring for others, even earning the Benemerenti medal from the Pope for her work with the homeless.

She lost her husband early in life and spent many years on her own, but she built this huge family around her and was the person everyone gravitated towards. Every birthday, every holiday and every family moment somehow led back to her. She was deeply loved by all of us and in a lot of ways she was the family anchor.

For a number of reasons, but mainly that my grandad had insisted grandma would never go into a home, in so much that had been held back for 40 years in order to facilitate it, my mum and her siblings cared for her around the clock in shifts for years to keep her at home for years. Despite Grandma’s children being spread geographical, they made sure someone was always there. This wasn’t easy especially for my mum, because as her dementia progressed my grandma was increasingly rude to my mum and to a less extent the other children, but nevertheless, they were determined to give her what she wanted and keep her where she was happiest.

For months leading up to her death, doctors repeatedly told us to prepare ourselves and say our goodbyes. Two weeks before she died, I went to visit believing it might be the last time I’d see her. Even then I could not really accept it. I still left saying, “See you soon,” because somehow I just could not imagine a world where she was not there. When we were kids, she’d always give us money when we left, and when I left she asked my aunt to get her purse, whilst struggling to get up herself, and gave me the last £10 that she had. This was the last time she did this and I still have the £10 to this day. I will never spend it. I know how special it was.

When I left, she mustered the energy to get to the door and wave me off, something she had always done. My last ever view of her was from my rear view mirror.

Over the next few weeks stopped eating and drinking entirely and somehow kept going, completely defying what doctors expected. My mum and her siblings practically lived at her house, sleeping on sofas and taking turns to sit with her day and night to not leave her alone. We all knew losing her was going to leave an enormous hole in our family.

Every day my phone would ring and my stomach would drop because I thought it was going to be the call. But then it was not. Again and again we stayed in this awful limbo, waiting and grieving before we had even had the chance to grieve.

At the time I was staying at my boyfriend’s house. I was anxious, emotionally exhausted and honestly desperate for closure because I felt stuck in this horrible in between state where I could not move forward and I could not properly grieve.

By that point I was not functioning normally at all. On the day she died, I felt completely paralysed waiting for news. There had already been a few calls from my mum and every time my phone rang my stomach dropped. I was so emotionally distressed and overwhelmed that I was barely acting like myself. I vividly remember lying across the kitchen countertop for absolutely no reason other than I felt completely stuck and unable to settle. It sounds strange, I was just broken by this point.

That day I had a feeling it was finally imminent. My boyfriend needed to go out for car parts and to look at a second hand 3D printer he had found online. I decided to walk to the pub with the dogs just to get out of the house and he said he would join me in about an hour.

About an hour and a half later he arrived. Almost immediately, my mum phoned me. The second I saw her calling, I knew. I walked outside to answer and leaned my grandma had died. Even though we had all been expecting it, I ended up sitting on the floor sobbing because no amount of time can really prepare you for knowing they are gone.

Afterwards, my mum told me she had actually called my boyfriend before calling me because she did not want me receiving the news alone. She’d asked if I was with him and he said he would come to me first and then she could call to tell me the news.

What I later found out was that my mum had called him while he was arriving at the house to see the 3D printer. Instead of leaving, he went inside, spent around 25 minutes watching a demo print so he could check it worked, bought the printer l, and then came to see me. I was about 40 minutes away.

Then after arriving and seeing me upset, he told me he could not take me home because the printer was in the car and I wouldn’t fit int the car with the dogs. He said he needed to drop it off at home and also go to his parents’ house before coming back for me. He was gone another hour and a half despite living seven minutes from the pub.

At the time I was too upset to process any of it. I’m not sure if I should be hurt. The next day I pieced together that he’d known my grandma had died, then went into someone else’s house, watched a 3D printer print something for 25 mins, bought the printer all whilst knowing she’d died.

I’m still, to this day, perplexed with the visit to his mum and dads. He left me alone after this news and I know it was expected and potentially to him other things might have been more important.

I still do not know if I am wrong for feeling hurt by it. I do know that on one of the worst days of my life, while I was crying after losing my grandma, I felt incredibly alone and trying to underhand why I wasn’t more important. Months later, I think that is still what hurts the most.

My (34F) grandma (96F) had been slowly declining for around seven years. She had developed dementia and gradually became harder to care for, but she always stayed in her own home because that was what she wanted. She was incredibly stubborn, fiercely determined, and had always made it clear that she had absolutely no interest in leaving this earth any time soon.

We’re a big family and my grandma was the heart of all of it. She was kind and cared so much for others even if it was to her detriment. She spent a lot of time at church and caring for others, even earning the Benemerenti medal from the Pope for her work with the homeless.

She lost her husband early in life and spent many years on her own, but she built this huge family around her and was the person everyone gravitated towards. Every birthday, every holiday and every family moment somehow led back to her. She was deeply loved by all of us and in a lot of ways she was the family anchor.

For a number of reasons, but mainly that my grandad had insisted grandma would never go into a home, in so much that had been held back for 40 years in order to facilitate it, my mum and her siblings cared for her around the clock in shifts for years to keep her at home for years. Despite Grandma’s children being spread geographical, they made sure someone was always there. This wasn’t easy especially for my mum, because as her dementia progressed my grandma was increasingly rude to my mum and to a less extent the other children, but nevertheless, they were determined to give her what she wanted and keep her where she was happiest.

For months leading up to her death, doctors repeatedly told us to prepare ourselves and say our goodbyes. Two weeks before she died, I went to visit believing it might be the last time I’d see her. Even then I could not really accept it. I still left saying, “See you soon,” because somehow I just could not imagine a world where she was not there. When we were kids, she’d always give us money when we left, and when I left she asked my aunt to get her purse, whilst struggling to get up herself, and gave me the last £10 that she had. This was the last time she did this and I still have the £10 to this day. I will never spend it. I know how special it was.

When I left, she mustered the energy to get to the door and wave me off, something she had always done. My last ever view of her was from my rear view mirror.

Over the next few weeks stopped eating and drinking entirely and somehow kept going, completely defying what doctors expected. My mum and her siblings practically lived at her house, sleeping on sofas and taking turns to sit with her day and night to not leave her alone. We all knew losing her was going to leave an enormous hole in our family.

Every day my phone would ring and my stomach would drop because I thought it was going to be the call. But then it was not. Again and again we stayed in this awful limbo, waiting and grieving before we had even had the chance to grieve.

At the time I was staying at my boyfriend’s house. I was anxious, emotionally exhausted and honestly desperate for closure because I felt stuck in this horrible in between state where I could not move forward and I could not properly grieve.

By that point I was not functioning normally at all. On the day she died, I felt completely paralysed waiting for news. There had already been a few calls from my mum and every time my phone rang my stomach dropped. I was so emotionally distressed and overwhelmed that I was barely acting like myself. I vividly remember lying across the kitchen countertop for absolutely no reason other than I felt completely stuck and unable to settle. It sounds strange, I was just broken by this point.

That day I had a feeling it was finally imminent. My boyfriend needed to go out for car parts and to look at a second hand 3D printer he had found online. I decided to walk to the pub with the dogs just to get out of the house and he said he would join me in about an hour.

About an hour and a half later he arrived. Almost immediately, my mum phoned me. The second I saw her calling, I knew. I walked outside to answer and leaned my grandma had died. Even though we had all been expecting it, I ended up sitting on the floor sobbing because no amount of time can really prepare you for knowing they are gone.

Afterwards, my mum told me she had actually called my boyfriend before calling me because she did not want me receiving the news alone. She’d asked if I was with him and he said he would come to me first and then she could call to tell me the news.

What I later found out was that my mum had called him while he was arriving at the house to see the 3D printer. Instead of leaving, he went inside, spent around 25 minutes watching a demo print so he could check it worked, bought the printer l, and then came to see me. I was about 40 minutes away.

Then after arriving and seeing me upset, he told me he could not take me home because the printer was in the car and I wouldn’t fit int the car with the dogs. He said he needed to drop it off at home and also go to his parents’ house before coming back for me. He was gone another hour and a half despite living seven minutes from the pub.

At the time I was too upset to process any of it. I’m not sure if I should be hurt. The next day I pieced together that he’d known my grandma had died, then went into someone else’s house, watched a 3D printer print something for 25 mins, bought the printer all whilst knowing she’d died.

I’m still, to this day, perplexed with the visit to his mum and dads. He left me alone after this news and I know it was expected and potentially to him other things might have been more important.

I still do not know if I am wrong for feeling hurt by it. I do know that on one of the worst days of my life, while I was crying after losing my grandma, I felt incredibly alone and trying to underhand why I wasn’t more important. Months later, I think that is still what hurts the most.