This happened years ago, but I still struggle with wondering how I could/should have handled it. I had a roommate who lived with me for a few years until she got married and then moved in with her husband, and we had a fight the night before her wedding. I do believe that my feelings were justified, but I don't believe I handled it well, and it still bothers me years later that I don't know what I should have done.
For context, I'm a very easy-going person. Not much bothers me. So long as someone generally cleans up after themselves, pays rent on time, and doesn't break things, I'm happy. The house is mine, and I rent out one of the three bedrooms. I live in one, and I keep the third open for when family comes to visit. Before her, I had only rented the room to friends and family. This roommate (I'll call her Jenna) was a friend of a friend, so I didn't know her myself.
After she'd lived with me for a while, she started moving some of my things on the living room shelves to make space for her things. I didn't like it, but I didn't make a fuss. One day, I found that she had moved my cake tins in the kitchen to make space for some of her pots. I had a panic attack then and there. Before this happened, I had had no idea that someone moving my dishes would cause that, because it had never happened. No previous roommate had ever messed with my things. It took a bit of introspection, but I've found that I can't handle anyone messing with my things in the kitchen. In the rest of the house, I don't like it, but it's not like it bothers me a lot. In the kitchen, it's a BIG DEAL! I didn't know this before she moved in, because it had never happened. Once I calmed down, and once she got home, I asked her not to move my things and to put her pots back in her cabinets. (I had cleaned out three cabinets for her when she moved in.) She insisted that she wanted to keep the pots there, because it was more convenient when cooking. It didn't turn into an argument, because I backed down. At the time, I still couldn't understand my own feelings, and I was upset with myself for getting so upset over something so minor. I decided to let her keep them there, because I wanted to get over this myself.
Unfortunately, it didn't get better for me. I'd still get stressed out every time I looked at her pots, and I'd sometimes start to hyperventilate. I was raised in a family where you never show weakness, and I know now that that's a problem, but at the time, I couldn't admit, even to myself, that I had a weakness I couldn't overcome. I just forced myself to deal with it, thinking it would make me stronger. (It didn't, and if this is you, don't try this! Figure out WHY it bothers you; don't get upset with yourself for being bothered!)
Eventually, Jenna got engaged to her boyfriend and let me know that she'd be moving out in a few months. I was so relieved! All I could think about was how much I wanted her things out of my kitchen, especially those pots! I was ready to never have a roommate again after her, just because of how stressed I was about that.
They set a date for the wedding, and it was going to be the 5th of May. She asked me about prorated rent for May, and I said not to worry about it. Because she'd be moving out on the 5th, she didn't have to pay rent for May at all. She was very grateful, because money was tight for them. They'd just bought a house together. He had already moved in, and she was planning to gradually move her stuff before the wedding and then move in herself as soon as they married. I was thrilled with that and happy for her.
In the month leading up to the wedding, she started "sorting" all of her own stuff as well as bags of items from friends and family, and gifts from wedding showers. Piles of clothes, bags, boxes, and miscellaneous items started filling the house. The living room and dining room were both piled high with stuff, and she asked if she sleep into the empty spare room for the week before the wedding, because of all of the stuff in her own room. I said yes, knowing it was only going to be a week.
My whole house looked like a cross between a hoarder's house and a disaster zone. I was stressed about it every day, but I didn't say anything, because I knew that she was also stressed about the upcoming wedding. As the day got closer, I expected piles to start disappearing as she moved things into their house. They didn't. The piles just grew. I wanted to say something, and I probably should have, but I don't like confrontation, so I didn't. I was also still trying (unsuccessfully) to force myself not to be bothered by it all. I just counted down the days until the wedding. When it was less than a week away, I started literally counting the hours just to keep myself calm.
Eventually, it was the day before the wedding. I was working in the kitchen for most of the day, and she was hanging out in the living room with her fiancé. I could hear them talking and laughing all afternoon. I hoped that they were packing boxes, but it didn't sound like it. Finally, mid-afternoon, they walked past the kitchen to the front door, and Jenna stopped to tell me that they were going out for dinner. I asked her when she was planning to move her stuff. She waved it off, saying that they'd decided that they'd get the stuff after they got back from their honeymoon TWO WEEKS AFTER THE WEDDING!
Something about me is that when I get very emotional, I just shut down. At that moment, I was shocked, horrified, and so very angry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. The result was that I just stood there with a completely blank look on my face and stared at her.
She looked at me, probably confused at my look, and asked, "Is that going to be a problem?"
I said, "You told me that you were going to have everything moved out before the wedding."
She said, "Yes, I planned to, but we ran out of time."
I asked, "Can't you have your friends or family come after the wedding to move your things?"
She said, "No, I'm not going to ask them to do that."
I just stared at her, so she muttered, "Anyway, we're leaving, so bye." They then left.
I had to work very hard to calm myself down. It wasn't easy. I thought over everything and tried to come up with something to say when she got back. I decided to tell her that she could either ask her friends to come and move her things after the wedding, or she and her fiancé could pay rent for the full month of May. I knew that they wouldn't want to do that (again, money was tight for them), so I assumed that that would get her to figure out how to get her things moved.
She didn't get back until pretty late. I heard her come in and go straight to the spare room, so I went there also and knocked. She let me in, and I calmly explained that she needed to figure out some way to get her stuff moved or to pay rent for the month of May. She got upset. She said that she didn't have time to move her things and that they didn't have money for rent here. She reminded me that I had said she didn't have to pay rent for May. I reminded her that that was because she was supposed to be moved out by the 5th.
She insisted that she wasn't going to move her stuff, and she wasn't going to pay rent. I told her that she needed to at least move everything into her room, because it was taking up the whole house. She said that she didn't have time, so she wasn't going to do that. I again suggested that she asked friends or family to do it, and she again refused. She was getting very agitated and was almost yelling at me by this point. She was obviously very angry and stressed.
I was angry too (although I know my expression was completely blank and my voice probably monotone), but I also reminded myself that she was getting married in the morning, and I really didn't want to ruin her wedding by stressing her out too much the night before. I left her room and went to mine to calm down. It took a bit, because I really wanted to yell at her, but I recognized that this wasn't the time. (Also, I never yell, because when I get angry enough to do so, it's hard enough even to speak, let alone raise my voice.) I should have addressed it much earlier; I had just trusted that she'd keep her word. I decided that I wanted to try to fix things a little for the sake of her family and fiancé who would also be affected if her night/morning was ruined, so I swallowed my own frustration and went back to her room.
She again let me in when I knocked, and I saw that she'd been crying and had been on the phone. I did feel bad then. I said that I was sorry for upsetting her. I told her that we could discuss it more after the wedding. I suggested that I could move her stuff into her room myself tomorrow so that she wouldn't have to do anything, and I could still have the rest of my house back. She lost it. She started yelling at me, "Don't touch my stuff! You can't touch my stuff!"
She said some other things too, and I didn't respond to most of it, but I did make one snarky comment in response to one thing she said about my job. (Long story; not relevant to this, other than that I did respond to one thing she said.) She then started screaming at me, saying, "Get out! Get out! I'm literally having a panic attack!"
It looked like she was, because she was screaming, crying, and hyperventilating. I left and went back to my room. I felt bad that I upset her so much, but I was also very upset myself, thinking about having to deal with the disaster for the next two weeks or longer. I knew that if she could so casually leave the house like this for two weeks, she'd have no problem leaving it for longer after they got back, until she felt like getting her stuff. My house was just free storage space for her at this point. I was very upset, but I also hated that I upset her so much right before her wedding.
About a half-hour later, I heard a car arrive. Jenna went outside and left. Her fiancé texted me, saying that he'd picked her up and that he'd left an envelope on the kitchen table with cash for the rent for May. He also said that it was fine with them if I wanted to move the stuff into her room and promised that they would come for it all as soon as they got back from the honeymoon.
The next day, after the wedding, I got a text from Jenna's mom. She said that Jenna had told them the whole story. She asked if she and Jenna's dad could come and move all of the stuff to the new house that day and whether I'd be willing to return the rent (or part of it) to Jenna and her then-husband if they did. I said yes, absolutely, so they came. I spent all afternoon with the two of them, packing everything, loading it into her dad's truck and my car, and moving it to their new house. It was two truck loads and one car load. I left the cash in their new house. It was never about the money for me; I just wanted my house (mostly my kitchen) back.
I feel like I was justified in addressing it and being upset, but I also feel like I shouldn't have gotten into an argument with her that upset her that much the night before her wedding. She wasn't a terrible person, and I do believe that she wouldn't have gotten as upset as she did if she wasn't already stressed about the wedding. I know too that I probably blind-sided her with pushing this issue when I'd never pushed any issue before. Part of me feels like I should have said nothing and just moved everything myself without telling her, but I don't feel like that would have been the right answer either. How could I have handled this? Obviously, I should have put my foot down earlier, but, given that I didn't, what should I have said the night before the wedding? Or should I have said nothing at all? Was there any right answer, or was this always going to be a lose-lose situation? I've been arguing with myself for years about this, coming up with so many possible scenarios, but none of them seem like they would have worked. I'd love some outside opinions/advice. What would have given the best possible outcome?
P.S.: I have gotten MUCH better with boundaries, and I have realized that "showing weakness" is sometimes healthy, so no need to tell me how wrong I was on that subject. If nothing else, Jenna unintentionally taught me a lot about myself, and I have become a better person from it. But that just makes me feel even worse about possibly ruining the night before her wedding.