Do you notice when a client is self-aware but doesn’t want to show it?
Do you notice when a client is self-aware but doesn’t want to show it, or do you just assume that the person isn’t able to introspect on their own?
I’m so afraid of making mistakes that I pretend not to know anything about myself, even though I actually have ideas and opinions about who I am.
For example, I’ve been opening up more over the past few sessions, but I’m stuck in this dynamic where I start by telling my therapist things like “it’s not important enough to say” or “it’s too unclear, so I can’t really talk about it” — basically every excuse possible to justify not talking. And I kind of need him to insist before I finally say anything.
I think I’m aware of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I see it as a way to reduce the pressure I put on myself before speaking, so I tolerate it even though I don’t like doing it.
But every time my therapist reassures me that “it’s okay if it’s unclear,” or says “you can just say it and we’ll see where it leads,” I get frustrated because I already know that. I don’t need him to tell me that. At the same time, I also don’t know what else he could really say, so I accept it and let the frustration go — even if I still end up replying with “I know” almost automatically.
Sometimes I feel like he gets annoyed that he has to dig so much for me to speak my mind, and when I feel that, I completely shut down.
So I guess I’m wondering: is he aware that I already know it can be useful to say things even if they seem unclear or unimportant? That I’m mostly doing this to reduce the pressure I put on myself to say something interesting, important, or relevant? And if he is aware of that, why does he sometimes seem annoyed when I do it?
The fact that he gets annoyed makes me think that he may believe I’m not capable of introspection.