51F Feeling guilty and confused-need advice.
My Mum is 88 years old. Throughout my life, and also my 3 siblings lives-she has been the prominent source of pain, argument and trauma. I came along a 16 years after my siblings, and that also created a kind of generational attachment break between me and them it seems. My siblings all have the same problems, and feelings I do. As did our Dad-but he tried to remain loyal to her up until his death 8 years ago. She has even denied the SA my sister underwent as child-that was enacted by Mum's own brother-to the extent-she enjoyed discussing him in front of my sister as often as she could. Quite deliberately.
I remember her as an emotionless mother, angry and scary. Controlling and obsessive to what I now know as totally abnormal. She limited social contact between me and my friends at school, and engineered situations where she could let me down at the last minute-then punish me for getting upset. Her with the silent enabling of my Dad, humiliated me for being what I now know is AuDHD, and it became the family practice to mock and punish me for being weird, funny, annoying, looking weird, dramatic. It destroyed my self confidence.
I ran away when I was 15 years old as I didn't have the emotional maturity or the awareness to voice how I felt about her treatment of me. I had nowhere to go, and we were referred to a family psychiatric specialist who told my parents they were the problem. They laughed, as in literally laughed at the team-and drove me home telling me what a disappointment I was, selfish, embarrassing, a liar etcetc.
What followed on was several years of me acting out-trying to fill some kind of void with attention, and years of impulsive choices. Some dangerous and resulting in acts of physical abuse and violence acted out upon me by older men. This has also, had a lasting impact on my psyche.
My Mum DID help me with my eldest daughter-but in her own way, and at the cost of my wellbeing. She was still abusive, still controlling, and emotionally manipulative. Still cruel whenever she could be. For many years I was the only daughter who saw my parents, 12 years in fact. I did Drs visits, Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries. My siblings (classic narc family) totally abandoned me and my children, in favour of supporting my Mother in Law. Ive parented them alone, studied to postgraduate level, and put them all through school. Without a family or a spouse.
My siblings mirror my mother's behaviour in many ways, voicing loudly that "I was the favourite" in spite of the abuse that I continued to live through. Financial, mental, vocal and sometimes-physical. This gap created a family rift where my children will never know their cousins, and I will never fully repair our family bond-it's way too late now.
As an older woman she became immobile, and finally got put into a rest home-where she quickly became well known as the most difficult woman they had dealt with. Rude, racist, demanding-and if challenged-physically abusive. She had to be served first, showered first, waited on on demand. She frequently caused arguments amongst the residents, verbally abused them, enacted cruel complaints against them-sometimes resulting in them leaving the facility to get away from her.
Only 2 of us as her children have been able to maintain some sort of contact. Recently she moved cities to be near me and my children, who are now older teens. She insisted she was being neglected in her other home, starved-and I will admit-she was to an extent.
I'm embarrassed to say I still believed I could make her happy. We spent months, a lot of money and time and energy, planning her shift. We moved her here at great expense, into a beautiful care home. She lasted about 4 weeks-and then started the emotional abuse again. "I hate it here, I hate all the people, the people are weird, they don't feed us, they abuse us, it's your fault for forcing to bring me here" . There is ZERO respite from her obsessive complaints. Even when my daughter was in hospital and we rang Mum-she only spoke about herself, and how much more she deserved to have.
Which of course-when we try to discuss sensibly (with Drs, nurses and support team) she turns it on to me-abuses me verbally, calls me names, blames me entirely. And sometimes-blames and abuses my kids.
The Dr recently used terminology with me that gave me some vindication-The Devilish or Dark Triad. The Dark Triad refers to a trio of malevolent personality traits—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. All of which my mother has-and which we have ALL known ALL our lives.
I've not seen my Mum for 3 months. I can't face her. I can't even describe how I feel to have gone to so much effort, at my age-to STILL please such a selfish and sick individual who doesn't care if I live or die.
But I feel guilt. Nobody wants to die alone, but any interaction with her is so upsetting, traumatic and awful-nobody can face her.
What can I do?