So me and my ex (F18 we can call her Lynn) broke up back in late September 2025 after being together for about a year and 6 months. I know based on the ages some might think this is stupid irresponsible teen love but we were both committed to a long term relationship and loved each other very much.
As any relationship does, we had our issues but some were much more uniquely challenging. She struggles with many mental health issues that definitely put a strain on the relationship. It was common for her to shut down and completely avoid any kind of conflict instead of resolving it, a few times she broke up with me for no real reason, and she also struggled a lot with body image issues. In general she’s always had trouble connecting with people, being vulnerable and things of that nature. As time passed I tried my best to make her feel safe enough to share her struggles with me and slowly but surely she began opening up about things she had never told anyone. Eventually she agreed to try going to psychotherapy so she could work on these things. In all honestly many of her actions were very toxic, manipulative and hurtful towards me but I loved her and the more she opened up the more I believed she could do better.
In August of 2025 I was going on a cruise with my family and we had been dating for a year and 4 months by then. For about 3 months prior to that I was kind of questioning the relationship. Besides the fact that I think some of the instances between me and her would probably wear anyone down eventually, I was also quite insecure and dealing with some metal health issues of my own and i was losing the patience I once had. I believe a lot of resentment for certain things had been building and even though I still loved her, I didn’t feel loved. Obviously none of that excuses this but on the cruise I cheated on her. To clarify, someone told me a girl in the group I was with was interested in me so I entertained it. For a few days we talked, danced, we were a bit touchy but that was about it. Some may not consider that “fully” cheating but it is still cheating. It was definitely not within the boundaries of our relationship and I knew I had messed up. I knew if I wanted things to work out between me and Lynn after doing that I had to tell her the truth so the day I got back I told her everything. She was obviously very hurt but she didn’t want to break up yet. It was only about a month later in late September that she decided to breakup up with me after I made a few more mistakes that really upset her. You’d think I’d be on top of my game trying to make up for what I did, I seriously did try but I was just in a bad place overall.
Her and her family were also moving to Europe in mid October and before we broke up we had been planning to use our gap year to travel around Europe together in April/May. Even though we broke up we still had an incredible bond and she had expressed that she wasn’t completely sure of the decision and that things just felt weird right now. She decided she still wanted to go to Europe together as friends and had told me that if things felt better after Europe she might be open to trying again. After she had moved I was determined to change my ways, do what I needed to do to make the trip possible and try my best to gain her trust back and show her that I still cared. I started working full time to save enough money for Europe, I changed my bad habits, I started going to therapy again, I lost 30 lbs and started going to the gym.
During the first 3 months we would call each other on the weekends to keep in touch but wouldn’t talk very much besides that because I was busy with work and because she wanted space. During this time she slowly became more distant and her previous thoughts about potentially trying things again slowly shifted towards not wanting to at all. She still wanted to go as friends but she seemed to pull further and further away from the idea of getting back together.
I had a 3 month temporary contract with my employer that ended at the beginning of January so after those 3 months I was a lot less busy. With a much clearer schedule we slowly started talking more often again but by this time her mindset was very different. Instead of being open to the possibility she’d shut down any idea of getting back together even if things felt right. She told me she no longer loved me and almost canceled going on the trip together. Despite that she would also tell me “I don’t want to get back with you but anything could happen” which gave off a lot of mixed signals.
In February we started talking way more, to begin planning the trip but also just for fun. In mid February she told me about another guy that she had been messaging since November on instagram, he lived back where I live but despite that it was a bit alarming for me as I thought she may be moving on. When we first broke up we had a conversation about exclusivity. I asked if we could be exclusive because there was that possibility of getting back together and I was worried she would
Move on but obviously she did not want to agree to that considering I wasn’t even doing that whilst dating her🤦🏼♂️. She didn’t want to agree to that because she felt it was unfair of me to ask however she told me she had no intention on seeking any kind of romantic relationship. I was worried but I believed her and based on her character it made sense. I didn’t plan on putting any of my energy towards someone else, all I wanted to do was show her I could do better. Since I was going to stay committed to her I asked if she could tell me if she meets anyone else and moves on because I did not want to stay committed to someone that had nothing left for me. She said she had no intention on doing something like that but agreed. So when she told me about the guy she had been messaging for months I asked if she was interested in him or if their relationship was beyond friends and if so why she didn’t tell me. She said they were just friends and it was nothing like that until a few days later when I asked if they ever flirt with each other and then she actually told the truth and then a few days later I asked my sister if Lynn had said anything about me to her (they message each other a lot) and she told me the last thing Lynn messaged her about me was “how do I tell (my name) I have a crush on this guy.” So essentially she was just not holding up to what she agreed to and lied straight to my face about it.
You may be wondering why I’m even staying committed at this point if she’s talking to another guy and doesn’t want to get back together and it’s for a few reasons. First of all there was just a lot of mixed signals which made me think there was still a chance and that she was just very angry and resentful of me. She would say things like she didn’t want to get back together but then say “anything could happen in Europe though, I’m very different with people in person” or tell me she misses me right before falling asleep on call after we talked for 6 hours straight. As for the guy, after I found out she lied about it being just a friend she told me that she was just infatuated with him when she first met him and that it died down and that she doesn’t have any feelings for him other than a friend. So I asked her to update me if their relationship becomes outside of friendship territory.
So we continued talking a lot for the rest of February And into the beginning of march it became almost every day that we’d call and from mid march to the end of march we called every day for 4-6 hours planning and booking our trip together. The more and more we talked the more mixed signals were given. She would consistently say the same thing “I don’t want to get back together but anything could happen” but I could just tell she had more feelings for me than that. She even let me do things like sing her to sleep a a handful of times on call and in general was giving off a lot of mixed signals.
Fast forward to now, about a week ago I woke up to a huge apology message. Turns out as we were talking more and more and doing all of that she was also doing more with the guy. Again she had promised to update me if something changed so that I could make my own decision about how committed to this I wanted to be. From February to now she had told me once that they were flirting more. This obviously upset me but she repeatedly told me she didn’t care about him and made it out to seem as though they did not do things like that often and that it was him trying to do it and she wasn’t super interested. In the apology message she was profusely apologizing because the entire time she had lied about the true nature of their relationship. She was much more involved in all of it and they had begun exchanging photos and videos and things of that nature. Since learning about him I was constantly anxious and overthinking whether or not he would get in between us and I shared these thoughts with her many times. Every time she made me think it was nothing when in reality it wasn’t. I understand we were not dating and there were no obligations to stay exclusive but she had promised out of respect for me and my priorities to tell me if her relationship between him and her progressed further. In her message she also admitted to giving off mixed signals and not being sure of what she wanted or lying to herself and me about her feelings towards me. As of now she is unsure if she wants to date anybody in general but her feelings and actions towards me have completely flipped. She is open to dating once again if it feels right and wants to try to somehow makeup for all of it whilst on the trip.
I know what I did was wrong and hurt her but for what it’s worth I owned up to it and did not try to lie. Not only do I feel that I’ve been deceived for months on end on an almost daily basis but I also feel that I wasted so much time and energy worrying about someone that did not care about me at all. I’ve also spent thousands of dollars on this trip and am leaving in a week so I it’s not like I can really turn back now. I feel I’ve been trapped.
To be honest I do want to be with her still and that’s only because she seems to feel guilty and terribly regretful. She’s sworn to make up for it by trying to show up as her best self during this trip. If i feel she’s truly sorry by the end of the trip I don’t see why I wouldn’t want to get back together, the problem is she isn’t even sure if that’s what she wants. Honestly it feels as though the only thing that would really make up for it and make everything worth it in the end is if we did end up getting back together.
I want to get peoples opinions on my situation. I somewhat feel responsible for any pain upon myself because I was the one who started this and I kind of want some confirmation, if it is warranted, that I even have right to be angry in this situation.
How do you think I should approach this trip and with what mindset would best protect my self respect while also leaving room for her to try and make it up to me?