How do you deal with the resentment?
I'm new here and on my phone, so hope I'm doing this right.
We've had converstions before and he'd always have a different excuse, promise change. I'd temper my frustration, wait and see. Nothing changes, get frustrated again and want to leave. Have a converaation-rinse and repeat. I'm sure many have been there.
But, we had a conversation a couple of weeks ago and instead of the usual excuses he admitted intimacy isn't important him. He doesn't think about sex, doesn't solo pleasure etc. I truly wish he'd told me that before marriage and kids. I could've made a different choice then.
We'd never have it if I don't initiate, and when I left it as a test of sorts it went 2 years. This year I've gotten to the point I don't bother. But after that conversation, something in me shut down.
I go out of my way to not touch him at all. I've vetoed the granny pecks. He wanted to hold hands while out and I told him no. It just feels weird. If we go to cross paths, I'm darting out of the way and apologizing like I would for any random person. It feels just wrong to have any contact with him.
I've finally gotten to the point where I recognize he's not mine. That when it comes to a relationship, we're fundamentally incompatible. He gets to be the way he is, people have different levels of being and desires. But I had to completely lose and change myself for it. Now it's like realization has dawned and I think I've finally let go. I just want to coparent and cohabitate peacefully.
Yet at the same time, I'm lonely. I want someone to want me. I miss being desired. I miss being the person someone notices, wants to call, to see, to be with. Not everything interaction has to lead to sex, but that the possibility is there. The teasing and flirting you know could lead to something because they WANT you. The kisses that go deep with the promise of something more. The touches that say "you're mine." The looks that let you know later that night you are NOT sleeping.
And now hearing he's not wired that way, when our dating and engagement WAS that way, leaves me feeling used and played. Like I was some sort of box to check off: "get job," "get place," "get married," "have kids." My very own dystopian handmaid's tale.
So truly, how do you deal? Because, looking at logistics, for the next few years I'm stuck due to finances and kids. But I need to be able to get through this. And today is one of the hard days.