I (35F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 7 years now. We lived with my in-laws for the first 3.5 years in the same house before we moved to the US. We recently had a baby and came to India so that everyone can meet them.
A little background: I come from a middle class family where my dad was a govt employee and had a very hectic job. My mom was a teacher initially but quit her job to take care of me and my brother while we were growing up. We've been a very social family with a lot of relatives and friends around.
I married into a family which was absolutely opposite of mine. No social life except the immediate family members. No visitors except my family. FIL govt doc - works 8am-2pm, now retired MIL housewife, BIL SIL- doc with pvt practice they have one kid with second one on the way.
My problems with this family -
Very rude, selfish and self centred people. Treat everyone outside immediate family like shit. Ready to fight with anyone anytime on smallest of things.
Extremely frugal. My MIL never had any life outside of kitchen. She wasn't allowed to have any house help or any friends other than their neighbours. Things changed after my marriage when I supported her and changed her lifestyle so much.
My SIL is the most toxic person. She used to fight with the family a lot and ultimately lives separately. But when she had her first kid, she mended everything and my in-laws happily took care of her kid since they were born till today. I hate her manipulation and pity my in-laws for being used by her.
My FIL is the person I hate the most in this family. He has extreme self obsession and superiority complex. He has no sense of what he's saying to which person. Embarasses me so much when they meet my relatives. He has no routine, mocks God and any religious activity, skips baths, sleeps around now when he's retired, makes stupid YouTube shorts and videos, did online business and burnt lakhs of rupees. I just hate him so much that this list can never end.
My in-laws even after being insulted by my SIL earlier are still head over heels for her and their kid. I think that's because she's from their community. I used to feel very happy when the relationship got better but now I feel they don't care about me at all.
My MIL is obsessed with their kid. Even when I'm here for a few days with my baby, she puts zero effort to build any connection with them. She has however used this opportunity of us visiting to put a cook. I'm sure she has said that there's so much work after we have come. She does nothing related to my baby - I do everything for them, massage bathing washing baby clothes feeding everything is me. I feel angry on seeing the difference between the family's first kid and mine.
Gifts: my MIL tried to give me her jewelry that she purchased last year and used as well as gift for my baby. This was after I bought her jewelry of her choice (4.5Lacs). I felt so angry that she'd give me the used jewelry. Also, there was a brand new set given to my SIL when she had her kid. Not comparing but she gave nothing to them as gift.
Helping us: the in-laws were supposed to go to US to help us for a few months. But with second kid coming for SIL, they're returning just a few weeks after. This makes me so angry. In India, they have 2-3 house helps, SIL lives separately and never asks for help, still my in-laws want to be here before the baby is born. I feel I'm an awful person for being angry at this but I'm just angry, can't help.
My husband never acknowledges my feelings. He listens to what I say but never says anything back. He even fought with my parents when they were visiting us saying that they don't help enough when my mom used to do every single thing when my baby was born for 3 months. My dad would do all the cleaning and play with the baby all day. I cried so much when he fought with me and them. He has been a great father to my baby but not a good enough husband in my postpartum. He keeps spending money on my in-laws when they don't spend a penny even to visit us in the US. I'm very angry that he behaves in this way.
How irrational am I? Should I go to therapy? Am I very wrong in my expectations? What should I do?
Tldr; Angry with in-laws and husband for being very partial to me and my baby. I blame myself for being from other community and marrying without thinking long term. What did i do wrong? How should I overcome this?