I’m a teacher (M45), married for over 20 years, and my wife (F45) and I have been going through a rough period after I admitted I’d developed feelings/a crush on a colleague (let’s call her Nic (F30)) that crossed emotional boundaries. Nothing physical happened, but I understand it was still a betrayal and has seriously damaged trust.
For context, Nic and I worked closely together, but i never mentioned her to my wife. We texted a lot, had drinks 1:1, and the friendship clearly became too emotionally intimate. I skipped out on my wifes birthday to hang out with her when i said i'd be home to cook her dinner. After the first discovery, I promised to cut 1:1 drinks, and only communicate about work things. A few months later we started digitally communicating a lot again, calling, leaving voice notes and videos and photos, all through Insta, and they were set to dissapearing photos / videos etc. We also spoke on the phone and continued to socialise within groups. After she found that we were still communicating, it's been a sh*t show. I’ve acknowledged that it was wrong and have been trying to repair things with my wife.
Recently, my principal asked me last minute if I could attend a two-night school camp because another staff member pulled out. Nic would also be attending.
I called my wife straight away because I thought being transparent and discussing it with her first was the right thing to do. I didn’t commit on the spot because I knew it could be sensitive.
My wife immediately became very upset, cried, and felt like I was putting her in an impossible position: if I went, she’d feel betrayed and unsafe; if I didn’t, I’d resent her or she’d feel responsible.
After talking, I declined the camp.
Where I may have messed up: in my email to my principal, I explained that I couldn’t attend because my wife was starting a new full-time job and needed me at home. My wife feels this “used her” as the excuse, made her look controlling, and protected me from fully owning the decision myself.
From my perspective, I was just giving a practical family reason. From hers, I threw her under the bus.
Now she feels like:
- I should have immediately known not to even consider going
- I burdened her emotionally by making it a conversation
- I used her as cover instead of taking accountability
- I still don’t fully understand the depth of hurt this whole situation caused
I feel like:
- I was trying to be transparent
- I was trying to do the right thing by talking first
- I did ultimately say no
- no matter what I do, I’m failing
She feels deeply hurt and unsafe. I feel ashamed, defensive, and like I can’t get anything right.
So… AITA for how I handled this? Even though I declined, was I still wrong for bringing it to her, considering it at all, and then citing her in the email?