I’m still trying to understand what really happened between me and someone I trusted
I’ve gone back and forth about sharing this, but I need outside perspective because I still carry lots of confusion.
TL;DR: Trusted a close male friend who wanted more than I did. One night while high, things escalated sexually and I froze, leaving me unsure if I truly consented. His behavior afterward made me feel used, and l’m left with guilt, confusion, and hurt.
There was a man in my life who had a crush on me from the moment we met. I cared about him deeply, but only as a friend. I told him that clearly when he first asked me out. I also told him I was talking to someone else at the time and that I valued our friendship.
What I didn’t know at the time is that he reached out to that man behind my back and basically framed it like “we shouldn’t compete over a woman.” That led to that situation ending before it even really started (the man thought I was seeing both of them).
We stayed friends. Got even closer over time. He asked me out again at some point and I told him the same thing—I wasn’t interested romantically, I just valued him as a friend.
And we really were close. We spent a lot of time together—hiking, road trips, arcades, food. It felt like a genuine friendship to me.
Eventually, he got a job about three hours away. He was nervous about being away from his family and support system for the first time, and I felt for him. So I made it a point to visit him sometimes so he wouldn’t feel alone. When I visited, I would help out on the farm he worked on, and sometimes I would stay the night.
The sleeping situation never felt weird to me. There was a bed made from two twin mattresses pushed together and also a futon. He gave me the option, and I chose the bed. He would sleep there too. In my mind, it was still platonic. I was comfortable. I trusted him. Nothing inappropriate had ever happened.
Then one night things shifted.
It was a full moon, and he showed me a *specialplant* he had been growing and also a very strong tincture he made from it. I made tea for both of us, but I told him clearly that without any fat it wouldn’t be very strong, more like a mild, relaxing tea. I told him if he wanted a stronger effect, he could add his tincture. I added some of the tincture to my own tea.
I ended up getting a lot higher than I expected.
Later, we got ready for bed. Like other times, I laid in the bed. He was there too. It still didn’t feel strange to me.
He offered me a back massage, and I said yes. I was high, relaxed, and it felt good. At some point he said something about appreciating the form of a woman, and then asked if he could kiss my back. I laughed and said yes—it felt like a light, almost silly moment, not something I registered as sexual escalation.
He finished the massage, we said goodnight, and lay down.
At some point, I reached over, took his hand, and kissed his palm as a thank you. (We come from different cultural backgrounds, where I’m from this is like a blessing or respect).
After that, things escalated quickly.
He kissed me, and it turned into making out. He started undressing me—took off my shirt and bra, then later my pants and underwear. He began performing oral sex on me. He is still fully dressed.
During all of this, I was physically responsive, but mentally everything started to feel wrong.
It hit me all at once:
This is happening really fast. Did I actually consent to all of this?
I started to panic. I was trying to say his name, trying to say something, but I couldn’t get my words out. I was hyperventilating. I felt stuck in my body.
He seemed to interpret the sounds I was making as pleasure.
I didn’t know how to stop it in a direct way in that moment, so I pulled his face up to mine, kissed him, and told him I needed a break.
He stopped immediately and moved away. We both turned away from each other. I cried silently to sleep.
The next morning, I tried to express that I didn’t feel right about what happened. But he was happy about it—talking about how much he enjoyed it and how he wanted more.
I told him I wasn’t ready for that, that I didn’t feel like things should have happened that way, and that I didn’t want a relationship initiated like that.
We agreed to take time apart and reflect, then reconnect on the new moon and decide how to move forward.
I took that seriously. I really went inward and tried to understand my hesitation. I came to the conclusion that I did love him deeply, and I considered that maybe I could explore a relationship with him in a more intentional, aligned way.
About two weeks later, just days before we were supposed to reconnect, I happened to check social media. He had posted a rant about “carnality” and people being unclear in their pleasure. It felt like he was indirectly referencing that night—specifically the moment where I was struggling and not speaking clearly. But in this disgustingly self righteous way.
Reading that hurt.
I called him and confronted him. I was angry. I told him I was disappointed, especially as someone who has sisters, that he would speak about a woman like that.
He initially said he didn’t understand what I meant and was pretty emotionless during the conversation. I told him he had a Madonna/whore complex. Later, he came back and said he had looked into what I said and apologized.
At one point, I told him I didn’t feel right about what happened that night and mentioned that I felt too high. He later made a post implying I was being misleading about how strong the tea was.
But I DID explained the tea. I had told him it would be mild without fat. I told him to add tincture if he wanted something stronger. I added tincture to my own tea.
Later, during another conversation, he said out of frustration:
“I don’t want to be your friend. I want to have sex with you.”
That statement changed everything for me.
After that, we tried to remain cordial because we shared work spaces and mutual circles, but the friendship never recovered. It turned into months of strange behavior—him calling and not responding, following and unfollowing me, indirect posts.
Eventually, we stopped speaking altogether.
And I’m left sitting with all of this.
I feel guilty.
Like I should have set firmer boundaries.
Like I shouldn’t have stayed over.
Like I shouldn’t have let things get that close.
But I also feel hurt.
Because I trusted him.
Because I believed we had a genuine friendship.
Because I didn’t feel fully in control in that moment.
And I’m confused.
Because parts of it felt physically good while everything else felt wrong.
Because I don’t know if I clearly consented or if I just went along with things until I couldn’t anymore.
I don’t know how to label what happened.
I don’t know where I went wrong versus where I was taken advantage of. Was I naive for thinking he valued our friendship?
I just know it still sits heavy with me.
Has anyone experienced something like this? How did you process it? I don’t know how to fully recover from this dynamic I never intended to happen and it has affected even my long standing, healthy male friendships.