u/Disastrous-Story6007

Quick TLDR: I (38M) and my wife (38F) have been married for 8 years, we have a daughter from her previous marriage (15 ) and a daughter together (7).

I struggle with ADHD and mental health issues, self love, childhood trauma etc. She has also been dealt trauma in life and has always felt like a "black sheep", and I think she may have some OCD traits.

I have had one long term relationship before this one lasting a year and a half and In recent reflection I noticed that I did not get the chance to learn much about emotional connection during that period.

Recently, my wife asked me if I have ever been happy? I ultimately felt an unbearable feeling of dread when I saw her face when she asked, like I subconsciously knew why that was coming up. In our almost 10 years of marriage, we've had our ups and downs, I have admitted and taken accountability for situations where I have made mistakes or hurt her unintentionally when I understood what or how I did something.

At the beginning of our relationship, we were very close, active and did things together and communicated well (as much as you know how to when starting a new relationship), this was something I wanted to make sure we had, a solid base.

We did move fairly quickly from the beginning, moving in together a year after we started dating and then a year later I proposed and then we got the news of our second daughter coming. Due to some of my mental health and family dynamics, I was fairly apprehensive about having kids, I deeply craved the child connection but I was afraid I would not be the father I wanted to be to them. This did cause mass amounts of anxiety for me while our daughter was young, I was so afraid that if I tumbled and fell into a depression I wouldn't be supporting my wife and daughters enough. My wife, the amazing soul that she is, was well aware that I had my own problems and would intentionally not disrupt me or wake me up for help with the baby (she stayed home for 18 months). I think resentment started from this point on, not daily but at certain times when I did not take initiative and help in the ways that would make her feel supported.

(this in no way is a comparison or "one up" of things that happened to us) but In the 6 months before our daughter was born, we had gotten married, I spearheaded buying our house, developed chronic stomach pain, had 2 tooth infections the night she was born, developed bells palsy, got diagnosed celiac, got diagnosed ADHD, and chronic tinnitus. My emotional state was not good, lol. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself, my struggles and what not, had health anxiety blah blah blah.

I admit I was a bit self absorbed, I devoted most of my remaining energy towards our new daughter and unfortunately did not notice that I didn't leave enough time and space for my wife, I would take guidance or questions as criticism and think I was just the worst or not enough which would make her feel like I wasn't a safe person. I have since learned that my behaviour can be related to my ADHD, it's not an excuse but I'm trying to understand myself better so I can move forward with knowing what to work on next. In relation to my ADHD, I have always been fairly messy with my surroundings, I have always been embarrassed and ashamed of this but it did have a big impact on how the house ran.

I did not understand at the time that my ways were hurting her, she would bring up something about an expectation or a middle ground to meet but It wouldn't register, almost like I had to defend myself or deflect.. etc.

With that being said, owning our house really opened some doors for me. I had always dreamed of having our own place that I can renovate and make our own, this and my ADHD hyperfocus sent me in several spirals of overthinking, over doing, over working, typically not thinking about the core of our relationship and I thought that if I worked harder on the house or on any co-project that my wife would appreciate me more for that. This led to what I believe was resentment on my side, where I thought the contribution I was putting in would be as appreciated as I thought it should be. Obviously my wife is very grateful for me being able to handle renovations and such but at the time I think I expected her to be as excited and as involved as I was (can't force ADHD hyperfocus on someone lol) all the while she handled most of the day to day things.

In any case, more recently I noticed some disconnect between us, we're still affectionate and intimate but since our conversation about if I was ever happy or not, my past emotional shortcomings became evident to her, she has supported what I've wanted and needed and usually sacrificed her time and energy for that while I thought what I was doing was just as good or just as helpful.

I had a moment of panic when I came to the realization of what I hadn't been giving to her when she needed it, I didn't mean to hurt her, but I did and she stuck by me this whole time, draining herself.

The steps I have taken so far:

- I have admitted and taken accountability for my past mistakes and explained how I now understand what I did and how it hurt her. (only took 8 years... jeez)

- I have an appointment booked with a therapist to go over my relationship issues with

- I have ensured her that I am committed to making appropriate changes to be a supportive husband and that am open to all conversations

- I have started to do more tasks that she previously felt mostly responsible for

- I am actively trying to show my affection and love (never something I learned to do, maybe because I was scared due to past trauma)

Our most recent discussion brought up the more concerning aspect of this, she is and is not happy with our marriage (I can't blame her) and right now she's in a position of feeling somewhat lost and trying to make sure she can be her own advocate and make herself happy. I have reassured her that I will continue to try and show up how she needed, change things that could make her trust me again.

She has mentioned that she has seen the changes I have brought forward but feels like it's unfair to me at the moment because she doesn't feel any more trustworthy of me and that she can't reassure me of how she feels because she still feels lost. (within the last 2 weeks)

I'm hoping that my next step is to make sure she understands that she is under no pressure to validate my efforts immediately, while I continue to try, I want to make sure that I am not smothering her but also still being more involved. Does this make sense? would anyone have any suggestions for further consideration? I have brought forward the idea of a marriage counsellor but she has had a bad experience in the past with that and I don't want to push something she may not feel comfortable with right now.