Hello everyone!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months now, and I have been struggling with being in a relationship where my boyfriend deals with multiple mental health issues that both make me feel that we are incompatible and that I cannot handle anymore.
For context: my boyfriend deals with severe trauma, grief, and diagnosed bipolar disorder/major anxiety. Both current (major) life struggles and past experiences make life extremely difficult for him. I have been there for him through some of the most painful emotional and mental struggles for him, supported and comforted him, and he has done the same for me when I had my own struggles appear. In spite of this, we have gone on a positive trajectory where we both committed to major lifestyle changes (cutting multiple addictions, returning to therapy, and starting going to the gym together) that I think are things to look forward to, but persistent and structural signs constantly stress me out.
My issue lies in the fact that some of these mental health issues begin to feel like I am ending up in more of a caretaker role that I believe that I can handle (^(yes I am aware this can be a really problematic way of describing being in a relationship with someone, but it is a dynamic that doesn't leave my mind when I reflect on the last few months)). It requires a lot of time being spent together, a lot of energy to put into affirming and comforting his emotional stressors, and looking past a lot of things I would usually struggle with. There were a few moments where, in what felt like the most horrendous days of my life, I ended up putting it aside to support him in that time.
Every day feels like he's struggling. While I am absolutely and completely empathetic to that and have trying to be supportive of that, it really weighs down on me. That's especially because he has mentioned multiple times that I am sometimes one of the only sources of happiness that he has in his life. One time (during a serious conversation) he mentioned that he was feeling suicidal for the last few weeks and that I've been an anchor in his life. This stresses me out a lot. Additionally, when we're at parties or go out into public, he often experiences anxiety over a wide variety of things that I've tried to be less "caregiving" about because, you know sometimes anxiety is inevitable and you gotta thug it out, but it occurs every time and feels like it impacts our conversations and dates. Sometimes things happen like he barely gets any sleep and is tired on dates. As much as I feel horrible saying this, but I feel like I put a lot of time and energy to be there for him, listen, support, and love him, and with how seriously I take work and school (alongside a host of other responsibilities) I feel like I am losing my balance. Especially because he does value us seeing eachother very often. However, I feel immense guilt and dread at the thought of leaving him and imagining what he would have to go through.
Important note: outside of this, I feel like this is the healthiest(?), loving, and compassionate relationship I've ever experienced. He cares deeply about me, he truly listens, loves, and supports me as well. We have amazing communication where we worked past problems, insecurities, and expectations. He provides a lot of love, and I really feel it. For one example, he was willing to give up watching porn (had an addiction) early in the relationship because I wasn't comfortable with it and slightly insecure. Even though he has shown a lot of growth already, considering some of the issues seem systemic(?) to his life, I don't know what our relationship or my handling of these issues will be like long term or if I can commit to that.
More stressors: He mentioned other things like having anxiety and abandonment issues from past relationships (he has had extremely toxic and bad relationships in the past). He also mentioned thinking he wouldn't be in a relationship again before. I really wish breaking up with him wouldn't mean I would be contributing to this anxiety of his. Also when we talk about the future, it always feels like I am the one who will be "anchoring" our relationship, friendships, and financial situation.
Also, I have been in a past relationship where my boyfriend also dealt with mental health issues but we broke up for unrelated reasons, however those mental health issues severely derailed his reaction to the breakup and he still struggles with it (years) after the fact.
Where I feel like I fucked up: I feel like we rushed a lot of conversations in this relationship. I think a combination of being overwhelmed by hormones for him alongside not knowing how to approach them led me to commit to scary expectations. For example, he mentions many times that I am the one he wants to marry (and I of course reciprocate it because hormones and also fuck what do I say to that without hurting feelings?) and moving in together at some point and what our life could look like in the future. I didn't regulate these conversations, and now I feel like I am committing myself to something I can't handle. It's absolutely my fault for entertaining these conversations when we were feeling so passionately for eachother because now I feel like I'm just crashing down on it. Lesson absolutely learned.
Also, even though we communicate super well about literally everything else, I have been way to scared to bring up these recent developments that he isn't aware about. One reason can be that I feel like this really is a crux of our relationship issue, and another reason is that he said his biggest insecurity is that he thinks his mental health issues make him unlovable.
Concluding notes: I really love him, and I care so deeply about him. I only wish for him to be happy and comfortable, I just feel at a loss about where I can be in that dynamic. It really hurts to think about. Fml.
Edited to make it shorted, sorry for yapping.
TLDR: Boyfriend has mental issues that while I have been supportive through, I feel like I can't anymore. However, he has shown some growth and we are in an otherwise generally healthy relationship. I feel immense guilt for hurting him, especially because I fucked up for idealizing our relationship during our honeymoon phase.