AITA for refusing to cook for my mom after she let a friend reorganize the kitchen while I was out of town? TW: hoarding
I’m living with my mother after my father died recently. The house has severe hoarding issues, and for the past year I’ve been trying to make it livable again. I haven’t lived in the state for 30 years, visited once a decade due to the hoard.
The kitchen became “my” space because I’m the only one who cooks.
When I got back here last year it was horrifying: sticky grime coating cabinets and counters, fruit flies stuck to the walls, a stove covered in inches of burnt grease, and piles of boxes, cookware, mail, and trash everywhere. I rented a $400 dumpster FOUR times, I replaced rotted drawer pulls, cleaned out expired food, dismantled and scrubbed the fridge, organized cabinets, cookware, utensils, everything. The only reason the kitchen became remotely presentable was because of the work I put into it.
An old coworker/friend offered to help clean the house. I was NOT against help. I actually appreciated it. But I repeatedly said I wanted to be there if anyone touched the kitchen because I had systems set up and it would stress me out to have everything moved around.
The day before I flew home from a trip, I was happily talking to my mom about cooking healthy meals for us. She’s on Wegovy and I wanted to help her eat better. I specifically begged her: please just work on your bedroom and wait until I’m home before touching the kitchen.
Instead, the DAY I was flying home, she invited the friend over anyway and they completely reorganized the kitchen without me there.
They pulled things out of cabinets, moved food and cookware, stuffed items into tote bags, and piled things onto the living room floor. Basically they turned the room upside down.
When I called from the airport upset (not yelling or crying), my mom acted like I was overreacting and said she “just sat there” while the friend did it. The friend joked over speakerphone that she “knew I was a control freak.”
What hurts is that my mom absolutely understands this feeling. She gets upset if anyone touches or removes things from her own room, even obvious trash. I always ask before throwing away her belongings. I’ve already removed over 30 trash bags from her room and 36 trash bags from my dad’s room when we had to make space for hospice equipment.
I’m not angry they cleaned. I’m angry they did the exact thing I repeatedly begged them not to do in a space I had spent a year trying to reclaim.
Now I don’t want to cook for her anymore or clean up messes I didn’t make.
AITA?