Husband (M39) and I (F36) have been together 9 years and married for 3 of them, and I just need advise on options/perspective, other than divorce.
If you ask my husband, he'll say he loves me dearly and thinks very highly of me. But whenever we get into an argument, I am not sure which version of him to believe. He has called me names, and even said I have trauma (I was sensually abused as a kid) and should go see a therapist constantly, but not when we are talking casually only when we argue. What is the argument about you ask, simple chores or me just asking "hey did you put trash out" or "oh, you didnt do bedsheets again today (after remininding him to do it for three days and the mornong off, even offered to strip the sheet before leaving for work)?". Somehow me asking these questions meant I was being selfish and only know how to criticize. This is not the first time he has said these things, our arguments are getting worse for over a year now. If I am not in a good mood with him or become quiet, I am labeled as "being in a pissy mood" or that "must be that time of the month" and I have told him I don't like those statements, but he still makes them. I am losing confidence in myself with these and not sure how to deal with this.
Last time after our argument (a month back) he said he'll look into a therapist for us, and he tried. Found one which he was unsure of after, and that was that. Nothing ever again. And if I ask him about it, then it becomes my responsibility. For the longest time I was raking care of most everything, but he has stepped up a bit more in the recent past to take care of some regular things. But to the bare minimum. Like he'll do trash, but only the one in kitchen (regularlish). The bathroom and the other rooms get cleaned maybe once a month. He doesnt believe in dusting or wiping counters in a regular basis, so that all falls on me. I have reached a point where I cant ask him to do a whole lot on his own (he says he has ADHD, and a lot of this stuff doesnt register with him) and if I say to do things he'll make me feel like the bad guy.
I guess, I need perspective from a third unrelated person/party as to what am I doing wrong. I don't want to just up and leave, but am also at a point where I don't care about us anymore.