I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I need help
This is a long rant that I typed out in my notes app because it felt like I needed to please read and any input would help because it feels like losing my mind
I don’t know who I’m writing this for or if I’m ever gonna let anyone read this but I need to type this out because it feels like my lungs are gonna collapse if I don’t. My entire life I’ve never liked myself and I don’t know what’s wrong with me because I know that normal people don’t feel this way and I know that this hate for myself is real and it feels like if I tell anyone or ask for help that they won’t believe me or just dismiss me because my problems never matter to people and I’m not sure why. My mom has always told me that anything that bothers me isn’t that bad because other people have it worse and I know that that’s true but I don’t think that that changes how much I feel whatever bad feelings I am, and my dad has always been too distant to talk to about my problems, he says he would understand anything I tell him but I’m not sure about that. Most of my friends when I was younger never really understood the way I feel, and as we got older I gained friends and lost friends and now I have a completely different group than I did last year and I’m scared that it’s gonna keep happening and I’m gonna keep losing friends and doing things that make people hate me and I don’t know what’s to do about it.
Recently I’ve been thinking that I might be transgender, because I’ve heard stories from people who are and I know that I feel similar to a lot of the things they talk about. As a kid I used to always wish I could just have been born a girl and not have to deal with the assumption of being tough that comes with being a boy. But I’ve never hated being a guy over the years I’ve had less time to think about this alternate universe where I was a girl but recently I’ve been thinking of it more and more and I have no idea if I am or not because I’ve always felt that there’s been something wrong about me deep inside and I know that many trans people have felt that way but I don’t know that what I’m feeling is the same. I have lots of memories as a kid as always choosing to play as a girl in video games whenever I had the option, and even when I was playing as a boy I remember dressing them up in girl clothes, and I’m not sure what that says about me or if its normal or not but I have no idea how I feel about whether or not I’m transgender.
I’ve hated my body for as long as I can remember, I was super skinny when I was little and around fifth or sixth grade I gained a lot of weight and fat, but all the fat on my body was all in my stomach or chest and I hate the way I look, I’ve been going to the gym and I like seeing change in my body but it still makes me feel disgusting whenever I see myself. I wish I had less fat on my chest and I wish I had broader shoulders and and and big arms and legs and I’m trying to put the work in to make the changes in myself I want but it’s so hard for me to get myself to go to the gym or do pushups or run or any exercises. I hate my face too, I have fat in my face that makes me look younger than I am and I have no idea what I look like because I feel like my face looks different every time I see it.
For years I’ve been having breakdowns and panic attacks and I never know why, when I was in seventh grade I was always having to leave school early because I couldn’t stop crying for whatever reason and I tried to stop when I got to high school but since then I’ve just been breaking down at night and crying to sleep maybe one out of six nights a year, and a lot of those are in the summer and I think that during the school year I have less time to think about my mental problems and I have work to do, but I don’t do my work nearly as much as I should, I just put it off and tell myself I’ll get it done later but I never do and it’s been affecting my grades.
This year I need the first quarter with my grades all being A or B, but by the end of this last quarter I didn’t have anything above a b-. My brother had a 4.0 gpa for all of high school and my mom has always been trying to push me to be as good at school as he was by taking my things away or yelling at me constantly whenever I did worse than what she wanted of me, which I know isn’t anything nearly as bad as a lot of peoples parents and sometimes my mom is nice to me like when we have people over, but even then sometimes her favorite to do is talk shit about me to whoever will listen. I always hear her on the phone with her friends or sister and she’ll always raise her voice whenever she talks about me because she wants me to hear the bad things she has to say about me.
Sometimes recently I’ll get this feeling in my head which feels like it’s forcing me to stop whatever I’m doing and be sad and I don’t know why I’m feeling this or what’s wrong with me and I really feel like it’s something I shouldn’t ignore but it feels like I’ve been ignoring it for years and lasted this long and I’m going to be really busy for the next month being abroad and spending time with family that I can’t process this right now and I’m afraid it will always be like that.