I feel nothing and I don’t know what to do about it
I’m a 22-year-old woman, and lately I’ve been wondering if there’s just something wrong with me.
From the outside, I seem completely functional. I have friends, a relationship, goals, a career path, all of that. People usually describe me as calm, emotionally mature, or stoic. But honestly, I feel almost nothing most of the time.
A lot of people close to me have died, starting when I was young. Most of my family is gone at this point. When I was 16, I lost a friend. One of my best friends passed away a few months ago. My dad was my best friend growing up, and he died from cancer in September. I was also assaulted twice, once at 14 and again at 18, and one of them was pretty violent. I don’t know if that matters, but I figured I’d give the rundown.
On top of that, my older brother is severely bipolar, and growing up I was the target of most of his episodes, physical and mental. I got used to living in chaos constantly. I had things thrown at me, got choked, punched, screamed at, all of it. Even after I left for college, I still dealt with him constantly because he lived in the same college town the entire time even though he was four years older than me.
Relationship-wise, I’ve only had two serious relationships. One started in high school and was toxic for the first few years, then actually became healthy near the end. But by then I think I had already checked out emotionally. Toward the end of that relationship, I started entertaining conversations outside of it because I honestly just didn’t care anymore.
My current relationship is healthy too, at least now it is. He’s genuinely a good person. The issue is I don’t think I feel things the way I’m supposed to. I care about him logically, but emotionally everything feels muted or flat. I already tried leaving once, and I still catch myself looking elsewhere emotionally.
In college, every relationship I had was short-term because the second someone upset me, I would emotionally disappear. I wasn’t intentionally cruel, but I could cut people off almost instantly and feel fine afterward.
Right now I’m in a gray area involving two people, and honestly I don’t care deeply about either of them the way I probably should. Nothing physical has happened with either person. I plan on leaving these relationships, but the idea of dealing with someone else’s emotions is exhausting. So it’s easier to just float along and let people drift away or make their own assumptions.
What scares me most is that I don’t really feel much about anything anymore. I can fake emotions when I need to. I know how to react correctly. I can be caring and empathetic, but sometimes it feels more like performing than naturally feeling it.
People joke that I’m a sociopath because I stay calm during things that should probably affect me more. But I don’t enjoy hurting people. I actually wish I felt more. I used to be a really happy kid.
Now I mostly just feel numb, tired, and disconnected, like I’m floating through life instead of actually living it.
I know parts of this make me sound terrible, especially the relationship stuff, and maybe I am.
And before anyone asks, yes, I am in therapy and yes, I am medicated.