**Lmaooo the way i feel soo uncultured in the baby shower verse is actually getting embarrassing. I was under the impression that they were surprises but because everyone in the beginning went with it i was kinda just like "oh.... okayy....". but yes, the 2 showers ive ever been too were all lowkey and in houses. I asked why she didnt want to just do it at home a few times but everytime it was "because i dont want people knowing my address". I did say that those werent her friends then but i what do i know? lol also, ive realized i am also a massive enabler and thats a hard pill to swallow but i appreciate everyones responses**
So, basically before the actual planning of the shower, I (30F) bought over $1k worth of stuff for my niece (crib, bassinet, swing, carrier, stroller, clothes, blankets, etc). I wanted to make sure she had atleast the necessities. Shortly after buying these things, my sister (20) decided she was no longer going to have her friends plan her baby shower and wanted us to do it instead (our aunt, her bsf and myself). She said she wanted a venue instead of doing it at home so me and my aunt both sent her money for the venue specifically ($200 from me and $400 from aunt... this will be important later).
She pretty much already had a vision for the baby shower and just sent us pictures and videos of the stuff she wanted. Eventually, some how it turned into mostly me and her planning the baby shower and me offering/her looking to me to buy the decorations (i got all the important stuff like the pink dishware, table covers, drink dispensers, center piece flowers w/ vases, etc). After a few weeks of planning and buying stuff... she said she still needed almost $3k for the baby shower.
Naturally, i was like "girl what the actual f--k... why?!?! For what?!?!" she said that she still hadnt booked the venue yet, she needed to pay her caterer $2k+ and that her and her boyfriends "hair and nail maintenance" was going to be a few hundred $$. She also had a list of $300+ worth of more decorations and was looking into getting a DJ, photographer and wanted to have a balloon arch set up.
One day we were talking and her dad came up and asked how much for her venue and catering. She told him the full amount (not the amount after the $600 given to her) and he said "ill cover it, dont worry". So then immediately, I realized the money I gave her was going to be pocketed and i was still going to be expected to cover the rest of the decorations.
After the realization, I said "well looks like now you can use the money that me and *aunt* gave you to buy the rest of your stuff since you dont have to use it for the venue anymore". She then got upset and said "but i still have to pay for xyz". I then helped her go through her list of expenses and figured out what was realistic and what wasnt. We ended up taking off several hundreds of dollars. We decided I was going to do her hair (-$500) and we'd use my Sony camera to take pictures. Took off the live DJ (her choice) and a bunch of games that she was expecting to cram into a 4 HOUR BABY SHOWER. We also reduced her catering food list from 12 items to about 5-6. We even got her decoration list from $300+ to like $170.
With all the reductions, she would've had plenty of money to cover everything else but by this point I had also decided that I was done helping financially. We'd already covered the nessecities, the rest just felt like extra stuff that tbh, i felt like her boyfriend should cover. I then started focusing on planning our youngest sisters birthday that will be a couple weeks after the baby shower and its fair to say, she hasnt been too happy about that.
A couple more weeks go by and I've started to like her boyfriend less and less than i already did ended up with 3 day long migraine from how much i genuinely cant stand him.(He pulled the most BS stunt during dinner that involved my son and i was FED TF UP). I legit had to seek therapy because i cant say anything to to her, him or anyone in the house and bottling up my distaste for the man was starting to PHYSICALLY manifest in the form of a throbbing headache. So the other day i asked about which cars we're taking, she said "i figured we were going to go in your car blah blah blah, hes probably going to drink and get tipsy and probably shouldnt drive etc." and because the thought of having him drunk in my back seat almost flared up a new migraine, i said "actually why dont we have everyone ride in your dads car (XL SUV) and ill take all the decorations in my car (sedan)? That way your dad can fit more people in his car". She hesitantly agreed and i double checked with my stepdad that it was okay and he said it was fine.
Well, today..... she brought up the car situation again and said "So actually, i know you wanted to take the decorations in your car but *bsf* wont be staying the whole time and we'll need a car to put the tables and chairs in..." I then cut her off and said "respectfully, i would like to drive by myself to and from the baby shower... we can figure out the table, chairs, and stuff were taking home but i either want to drive alone or just with my son. Im pretty sure i can fit most of it in my car". She then got upset and went outside to i assume complain to her bsf.
But i feel like ive already done soo much financially and im already going to do her hair, my hair, my youngest sisters hair, blow up the balloons for the arch, prepare some of the decorations, help set up the decorations, and more.. pretty much the night before since her and her boyfriend decided that the week before the shower they want to be out and about doing everything but getting the important stuff done.
AITAH for throwing up my hands and not doing more, making her pay for the rest of the stuff and for not wanting them to ride in my car? Its something about a 26 year old man who got my just barely 20 year old sister pregnant being okay with having her family and herself cover THEIR baby shower and me be expected to give him a free ride because he'd rather get drunk than be a support system for my sister while she carries his child. They're both unemployed and only do UberEats when hes not fully invested in playing 2k on her PS5.
*Also side note, a big reason for me taking a step back is because she's been fully relying on me for even the smallest things like "how many cans of nacho cheese do i need to buy". Sometimes she doesnt think for herself and always comes to me for answers. While i will be there for her for certain things, i do also need her to figure things out on her own. Also, just because she doesnt realize she enables her bf for being a complete man-child, doesnt mean that i need to too. They both need to grow and up and the ADULTS who will be raising a literal human. I've literally been the same 20 yr old dating the 26 yr old man child but i was fortunate enough to not have a child with him. I feel like this is something that needs to take its course and if i do his job for him, she wont see the loser that he is.