Sorry if this is not so articulate. I never thought I would have to post about my marriage on Reddit. Sorry in advance for any spelling or grammar.
So me (M27) and my wife (F26) have been married four years but known each other 10 years. We wasn’t always together before our marriage but 1 year before marriage we decided to commit to each other after toxic on and off which I admit I caused a lot of problems too but we were young. Later we matured and got married. We have two girls, 6 and 2 years old.
Our marriage was happy we had many good moments some issues but no major arguments that would break down our marriage. Now one thing she has complaint about is that I’m not so affectionate which I do agree. Although I tell her I love her and try to call her honey and some compliments I do admit I’m not so overly affectionate. It’s a bit awkward for me but it has been something she has complained about. But I deeply love my wife and my love language is acts of services and I try to put her above me. Many times she told me and others that she’s happy and I try my best to make her life easier. Very involved with the kids I take them to school everyday and pick them up always cleaning the house and assisting her in house duties because I believe it’s both our responsibility. And we have a date night once a week which was my idea after we felt we wasn’t seeing each other much.
But recently I’ve been under a lot of stress and opened up to her about my frustrations as I had a mental breakdown. It was there, out of nowhere, she revealed that she has been receiving messages from an old college friend. He compliments her and she feels that she isn’t getting that from me. She said she just entertained it but that was it. However, I knew she was hiding more. She has been coming home late and wanting to see her friends more. Which was no problem I was happy that she was able to have a social life ( whereas I gave up mine I have only one friend who I never see ). I always wanted to make her life easy and I trusted her.
We have an open phone policy where can see each others social media and so on. I have never felt the need to look until now.
To my shock, I saw they have been messaging each other for weeks and have met up a few times. They call each other for hours while I have been working night shifts. And they met up to go and eat deserts. She told me none of this she just made it seem like she just responded to a few too many messages on snap chat.
At the start of the messages she wasn’t really responding much to him even saying that I treat her very well and I’m a good husband. As time went on, she was responding more and more and when she was seeing her friends it was actually her that initiated the first (well I think it was the first) meet up.
I had more than enough evidence to ask her directly. So I did the next day. I just simply asked her to tell me the whole truth because I feel like she isn’t being fully honest. She just said she messaged him a bit and met him very briefly but that’s all. Then I asked her about the deserts she came home with that I guessed she went to eat with him and admitted she went to get deserts. She came home around 1 am while I was dealing with our vomiting 2 year old all night. Then I asked about the long calls and she then admitted but didn’t say much more. She only admitted to these things after I brought it up.
Her reaction was very unemotional. She said she didn’t tell me all this because I never asked when she revealed she “entertained” his messages. I said I don’t because she made it seem like she just responded to his messages more than she should that’s all. She just ask me have I been going through her phone to which I reminded her of our open phone police which I have never used until
now. I don’t know if she would have revealed everything if I didn’t already know. And the deserts is something I figured out but there was no direct messages of them arranging to meet that day but she said they did which makes me believe there are deleted or hidden messages. She didn’t have much of a reaction I don’t know if she was shocked I found out or that she didn’t even care or she can’t process what just happen because we are not Thule of couple to really begging through this in our marriage.
I know my weakness in our marriage is i could me more affectionate although I want cold but I wasn’t Prince Charming either but I feel like didn’t deserve this. Or maybe I do ?
**TLDR**
**Me and my wife were happy. Hardly any issues and many great moments in our marriage. While I opened up about the stresses and pressures I was facing she was “honest” and came clean about entertaining an old college friend but hid how much deeper their interactions were and I discovered secret meetings and long phone calls she did not mention.**
** UPDATE **
So far she has sent me a text apologizing. She states nothing physical happened and has cut off communication and will give me the space I need. I’m not sure how to respond or feel.