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Hi everyone. I’m looking for advice because I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or if this relationship has genuinely become unhealthy.
My girlfriend (28F) and I (30M) have been together for about 4 years. We got together around the time she was separating from her ex, who wasn’t a great person. For context, we both have ADHD, and I’m also autistic.
We don’t live together. The first two years of our relationship were honestly great, but over the last couple years things have slowly taken a downturn, and I’ve started to feel resentment building.
One of the biggest issues is that I often feel like she doesn’t really pay attention to me. For example, I’ll bring her food or something she asked for and she often won’t look up from her phone or PC to acknowledge it or take it from me. If I ask her a question, she can take up to 10 seconds to respond, and sometimes she doesn’t respond at all. When I bring it up, she sometimes says she was dissociating and didn’t process what I said.
The confusing part is that she expects a lot of attention from me. We both work from home, and she’ll frequently start talking to me while we’re working—asking questions, venting about office drama, reading me emails to see if they sound okay, or wanting me to agree that a coworker was rude. She expects me to listen and be engaged, but if I respond with anything longer than a short answer, she often just goes back to what she was doing and doesn’t seem to listen to what I’m saying. It makes me feel like I’m there as a prop for validation rather than a partner.
Another issue is that she repeats the same stories a lot. She frequently goes on long vents about people who hurt her in the past, or retells stories where she came across as clever or impressive. I’ve heard some of these stories many times, like stories about an ex best friend who wronged her, or a “zinger” she delivered to someone who was sexist, etc. Sometimes she’ll interrupt me while I’m talking to tell one of these stories again.
I’ve tried gently suggesting that focusing on the past so much might not be good for her, but she took it really badly and accused me of being tired of her or wanting her to shut off her feelings.
At this point I don’t know what to do. I still love her a lot, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuinely happy in the relationship. I don’t know if this is something I can reasonably ask her to work on or accommodate, or if we’re simply not compatible long-term.
How do I communicate what I need without making her feel attacked? And is this a normal relationship issue that can be worked through, or a sign that I should move on?
TL;DR: My girlfriend expects emotional attention from me but often seems distracted or disengaged when I talk. She also repeatedly retells old stories and vents, and I’m starting to resent it. I love her, but I’m not happy and don’t know if this is fixable.