Feeling vulnerable and assaulted when seeking medical attention
I have sought medical attention for my self harm probably a hundred times by now and I've gone so numb and closed off due to how they treat me in the ER. It feels like I'm assaulted each time they suture/staple a wound without proper numbing and/or do everything in an unnecessarily harsh way. In the beginning when I sought care I was vocal about what I felt and that I wasn't okay with how they treated me but with time I don't feel like I can do that anymore and I'm always just completely closed off and dissociating to try and not feel everything that's happening. It's like I'm stuck in freeze now because they've beaten me black and blue.
I feel disgusted by my body and I can't stand others touching me anymore. I feel like I need to make myself disappear and it has triggered my eating disorder as well. I just want to get as small as possible so I take up as little space as possible. I never want to be seen by anyone again.
I feel like I'm traumatised by all my experiences at the ER. I get emotional flashbacks and just keep on dissociating whenever I'm reminded by something that's associated with the ER (which sucks because I work in a hospital). It feels stupid though because I've done this to myself. If it weren't for what I do to myself I would never have to experience those things.