30 y/o M. Questioning being 100% gay.
So, for some context, I have always had mixed feelings with my sexuality. When I was younger, as most people, I believed that I was only into women. As I got older, I discovered my attraction towards men, and when I came out, I came out as pansexual because I had genuine feelings of attraction towards both men and women. As I got a little bit older I had only had sex with one woman and since my early 20s have exclusively had sex with men (as a bottom). However, during that time I have had attractions towards women, but never engaged in anything because I don’t think I’d be able to properly satisfy a woman because I have a small penis. However, I still have physical attractions towards women. But over the last few years, I’ve really only had sex with men and masturbated, thinking about men. I have had crushes on women, but never did anything with that.
So now into the situation, I have become closer with someone that I work with 25 y/o (F) and discovered that I have an attraction towards them. It’s mainly emotional and romantic, however, I’m starting to discover that it is physical as well. And when I say physical, I don’t necessarily just mean penetrative, but I wanna hold her hand. I want to kiss her. I want to touch her. I want to cuddle with her and be close with her physically. And I guess I’m just in a weird place right now because I’m not really sure how to move forward with that or if I should.
We haven’t been super close for a while, however, we do have plans to hang out and get to know each other more. I have told her that I’m gay and we’ve talked about boys before, but I’m starting to understand that I’m not fully gay. Like I’m still gay. I’m still attracted to men and maybe I’m just bisexual, but I haven’t engaged with women like that but once before and I guess I just get a little worried that I won’t satisfy her or I won’t be able to perform because I haven’t engaged with women like that but once. And I’m not really sure how to label these feelings. I’ve always kind of said that I’m fluid or pansexual and I think those terms align with me but also I just don’t know how to put that out into the world and with her because I don’t know if she understands that stuff. And she seems pretty open-minded but I also just don’t know.
So I guess I’m just writing this here to see if there’s other people that understand that perspective and can maybe shed some light on this situation for me. I feel very comfortable around her. I really enjoy talking with her. She’s told me that she feels very comfortable with me and enjoys talking with me as well and we seem to have a bit of a deeper connection than I’ve had with people before and I really like it. I want to explore that and see where that goes, but I’ve never done this with a woman before because in my adult life I’ve just accepted being gay and that that is my role in life. But I also have felt like that has held me back from the fluidity that I also feel inside and I know that sexuality is a spectrum and I know that it can fluctuate throughout life. So I’m just kind of trying to see if anybody can shed some light on this for me and give me advice on how to proceed and what not.
I’m an open book for the most part so if there is any follow up questions/clarifications y’all need please ask and I will answer the best I can. Thanks in advance!